Joyful

I am happy to report that I have been anti-depressant free for over a month now.
The first week or two was hard, but now things have settled and I feel just as "normal" as before, with a little bit more variance in my emotions (which actually is a good thing). I love being able to get all emotional over things, feel the Spirit again at church meetings, or laugh out loud when I read something funny. All things that I couldn't do before. However, even that was better than just sitting there feeling apathetic and numb and sad and angry all the time. Of course, I have an appointment with my doctor for approximately two weeks post- partum, just in case. A relapse would stink.
Anyway, this is my "be happy without meds even when life is hard and sucks sometimes" plan. I thought I would share it with you. Just a few little tips I have gathered from various sources such as my doctor, magazine articles, priesthood blessings, and personal experience.

Things to do daily:
PRAY- lots. No explanation needed really.

GO OUTSIDE- fresh air and sunshine make all the difference!

EXERCISE- 30 minutes of walking, aerobics, yoga, etc.

TAKE A VITAMIN- because I still don't like lettuce

TALK TO A GROWN UP- everyone needs a break from Elmo and diapers and crying

WRITE- journal, blog, email, whatever

SCRIPTURES- I have been following a new blog that has issued a 5-page-a-day challenge, complete with a reading chart, motivational reminders, and even a give away this week. I found her blog when she posted several ways she is teaching her young children about the Family Proclamation. Really good stuff!

SERVE- my calling, visiting teaching, my kids, whatever.

FINISH- something that has a lasting, tangible result, that I can check off a list or show to someone else because I need to feel like I am doing a little something that won't be undone in a few hours or days.

So there's my plan. What do you think?

8 weeks

I was just looking over the archives of the year, and realized I have done an excellent job of writing absolutely nothing personal for about a year. Yea me!
I blame the pills. They keep me from turning into the Wicked Witch of the West at the drop of a hat or crying myself an ocean like Alice at the slightest provocation, but they also leave me feeling pretty flat. Maybe this baby will screw up my chemistry the other direction and I will come out even again?
Anyway, I was counting weeks today. 8 to go. Maybe less if my doctor takes pity on me and lets me deliver before I grow a ten pound baby. I thought about making a list like my friend Abby, of 40 things I want to do before I hit 40 weeks, or taking the easy road and writing 8 things for 8 weeks. I decided not to number things and just write down everything I wanted to get done before baby- Christmas projects, decluttering, cleaning, setting up the nursery, etc. I filled a sheet of notebook paper front and back. Then I cried. Then Mike threatened to light the thing on fire if I stressed over it too much. And that wouldn't work because then I would have to add "make a new list" to my already overwhelming list! Oh dear, what to do?
I have decided to just make my list of 8 goals, personal things for me to get done before I have this baby. As for the big list, I am going to cross some things off (for example, I know I won't get to the cross stitch wall hanging for Becca or baby, even if I had nothing else to do between now and then and have given up hope of ever having clean windows) and put some things off, and have Mike do some things, and have the kids do some things, and let my friends do some things, and then do the rest one at a time until it is done. Or just let Mike burn it if it gets to be too much!

So here is my list of 8 things to do for me over the next 8 weeks:
1. Finish my handmade Christmas gifts. I actually find great satisfaction in finishing a project, knowing it won't be undone by tomorrow morning, and having something meaningful to give.
2. Go to the temple.
3. Make and freeze a week's worth of dinners to stash in the freezer for when help dries up.
4. Set up the nursery for Miss Elizabeth. I know I will feel peace knowing things are ready and there is a special place set up for mommy and baby even if the rest of the house is falling apart.
5. Go to the spa for a mani/pedi, not the stinky nail salon, and enjoy the quiet.
6. Go on a date with each of my kids to tell them how much I love them and how special they are, before the chaos sets in and I barely have energy to kiss them good night.
7. Send all the kids away for a night and go on a date with Mike, for the same reasons as above.
8. Load up the ipod with relaxing music, replenish the hidden chocolate stash, download a handful of good ebooks, dust off the double stroller and my walking shoes, stockpile the preschool DVDs, and anything else I can think of to bolster my coping skills.

So there it is! 8 things in 8 weeks. I am starting the official countdown.

Monday Musings

Today, Andrew is sick. I know, that is getting a little old isn't it? Believe me, I am getting tired of that headline, too. Someone tell his immune system.
He has a fever, headache, sore throat, and upset stomach. All he wants to do is lie on the couch and watch tv. And he wants me to do it with him. Who am I to argue. However, I am worried about all of the brain cells that I am losing watching hours of animated cartoons. I need something to focus on besides the musical adventures of Robin Hood the Clean and Mayor Stinkypants. So here I am. I almost felt guilty about writing a random post with five unfinished posts waiting in line to be illustrated and edited before they grace cyberspace with their presence, but then I was conveniently strapped to the couch away from my photos. Rambling it is!
I got a new church calling last week. I was just getting comfortable in RS. Though I think the leadership might be relieved. I always felt like I could never quite measure up to their expectations. So now it is back to primary. I am still not sure how I feel about that. I am teaching Lenna's class again. First, I don't think I am responsible enough to be teaching all of the kids who are getting ready to be baptized. Too much pressure. It was easier when they were four and I could tell myself it was ok if I botched the lesson because they were going to get the same one four more times. Not anymore. And also, I really was telling the same kids that when they were four. Interesting- I taught the same set of kids when they were four and five. Two new faces, but other than that the same. The same ones still have trouble sitting in their chairs but now they can take themselves to the bathroom and take turns reading. I guess there is something or someone I am supposed to learn from that I missed the last time. Hopefully I'll catch it this time around. I hope their parents aren't sick of me.
Last week I went to enrichment meeting. It was pretty low key and had a nice turnout. And a nursery, so I got to go. Rebecca was a bit overwhelmed with the noise and had to spend a few minutes on the sidewalk but otherwise did well. At the end of the meeting someone asked if we could go around the room and introduce ourselves because our ward has a pretty high turnover rate. If you spend six months in primary you will return to a completely new RS group.
Get to the point- I was last. Not a big deal. But I stood in the back and listened to each sister introduce themselves and say something about who they were. "I can sing" "I am a good cook" "I sew and quilt" "I'm into food storage" "I just wrote a book about genealogy" I had nothing to say. I couldn't think of that one thing that would define me. I am good at lots of things. Above average, even. I like to do lots of things. But there isn't anything that I am REALLY into or REALLY good at.
Please don't comment telling me what you think that thing is. I am off to discover it for myself somehow. I just thought in interesting that I will be 30 this year and am still looking to define myself. I am ready to be something besides Lenna/Andy/Rebecca's mom, Mike's wife, or kid #2 of 10. I am ready to learn something more important than the third verse to the hand washing song and go on an adventure that doesn't involve oatmeal or sippy cups. We will see how it turns out. For now the only mountain I am climbing is Mt Washmore- and it is kicking my butt!

I Resolve...

I have had a hard time making resolutions this year.

I am really good at making resolutions. I am a professional at setting specific goals, outlining measurable steps to follow to reach those goals, setting incremental self-checks to measure my progress toward my goals.

I am not so good at actually reaching those goals, following the steps, holding myself accountable at the self-checks, or keeping the big picture in mind.

I am not a big picture person. I am a "get bogged down in the details" person. One who gets stuck thinking "If I can't get the whole house clean today, I am not even going to bother vacuuming the living room" or spends three hours making charts and checklists only to never use them, because who wants to have a visual reminder that I only got around to two of my thirteen steps today?

I have tried really specific goals such as "I will eat six servings of fruits and veggies daily", "I will read two chapters of scripture every day", or "I will engage in 30 minutes of aerobic exercise including jump rope, jogging, step aerobics, and cycling, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday," or "I will clean my house from top to bottom every week". How did that work out? Big fat failure after just two weeks because I couldn't keep up with charts that included eating, exercising, reading, cleaning and more.

I have tried general goals such as "I will eat more fruits and veggies", "I will read my scriptures more often", or "I will exercise more and lose some weight" or "I am going to clean my house better this year." How did that work out? No idea- how much is more and better? And since I couldn't turn it into a chart or checklist and grade myself, I really had no interest in keeping track of how much more I was doing of anything.

What to do? I have no idea.

I guess I will go with a mix of general and specific and not make a chart and hold myself accountable to cyber-space. My biggest problem: narrowing down the long list to just a few.

1. Build a better body. Eat more veggies, eat less sugar, exercise more. Fit in old clothes again.
2. Wake up my brain. Read more books, take a class, complete projects, find a hobby. Take GRE.
3. Strengthen my spirit. Go to the temple, pay tithes and offerings, be a better visiting teacher, read Sunday lessons. Share my testimony.
4. Hug my heart. Take my medicine, connect with a friend or relative daily, date my husband, find alone time, be grateful. Be happy.
5. Hold a hand. Be a better mom by laughing more, worrying less, and having more fun. Serve others. Create order in chaos.

I suppose my last resolution should be to be on time. I am already behind on posting!