Home Alone

Today I am home alone. Probably for the last time in a very long time.

Today is my day off from work, and tomorrow will be my last day there. I am sad about it, but at the same time I am ready to come home and be a mommy to our new baby. I will put all the preschool lessons to good use by doing a home preschool with Andy the rest of the year.

Anyway, I had nothing to do today out of the house, Andy has a day-long play date, and Lenna is at school (sort-of, on a field trip actually). Not that I have nothing to do, my list of things to do today is longer than my arm. But I get to do it at home in comfy clothes and on my schedule.

Even while pushing the mop around the kitchen and folding laundry, it is nice to do it without having to stop every two minutes to answer a question or fill a juice cup or change the channel. And I can do it with a movie I want to watch in the background (today it is Rebecca for book club tonight) or while listening to a CD with no cartoons on the cover. I will admit to staying in my pjs on the couch until 10:30. I haven't watched daytime tv in about three years- I really didn't miss much from what I saw this morning.

R calling to ask about book club reminded me that it is tonight in my house, and I was suddenly motivated to get going and turn my living room from a toy/laundry/book/Halloween junk dumping ground into a place suitable for an adult gathering. So far, so good. And if you are a local reading this, please come tonight at 8. Even if you haven't read the book (you should, it is really good) you can watch the good parts with us on DVD, I will make pumpkin cookies, and you can help me feel all my cleaning wasn't a waste of time and ease the sure-to-come feelings of rejection I will feel if no one shows.

So here is to time home alone, even if I have to spend it with the mop.

Look on the bright side.

Last night I was complaining that I had four friends pregnant and due this week. They are all currently holding their babies on the outside of their uterus. I was feeling a bit grumpy about it last night and found myself complaining to Mike.

"I am the only one left who is still pregnant! This is completely unfair!"

And he responded, " You mean, you are the only one who is going to get any sleep tonight? Who isn't sporting stitches somewhere? Who can feed, rock, and warm her baby while sleeping, eating, or showering? Yep, sounds pretty awful."

I needed that. Here's to one more week of pregnancy!

Me on Saturday 10/25 at Ft Discovery Halloween party, exactly 39 weeks.

Went to the Dr, made it to 2cm but no other activity. Back again next Monday for monitors and hopefully an appointment with some pitocin.

Primary Program

Yesterday was the annual primary program. For the first time since having children in primary I watched from the congregation instead of from a supervisor seat on the stand. It is a much better view! I knew it would be good when I was teary before the end of the opening song.

Lenna was so proud to be going up. I had to change seats a few times to get a good view of her dear face because she was seated behind the organ. I was so glad I did- it was nice to be able to make eye contact during each song, it helped her feel confident enough to sing a little louder and made her smile that beautiful toothless grin! She had her part memorized and confidently marched right up to the microphone to say her line. She was busy practicing her songs all week. She made me very proud!

My children do not yet share my fear of public speaking- I hope that they never do. Right now, they anxiously await the arrival of their urn to do anything at the microphone- pray, give a primary talk, sing a song, you name it they will do it! I am so glad, and pleased with their self-confidence that allows them to fearlessly step out in front of the crowd.

Of course, sometimes it would be nice if they would sit down in front of the crowd! Andrew took his role as a front-row sunbeam very seriously. You know the role, the job of entertaining the crowd if the speakers lag or songs take too long to get started. His class was the first up to the microphone. They all did a god job preparing for their parts, most of them even had their little line memorized. There is something really special about hearing a three or four year old child stand confidently in front of hundreds of people and say with conviction, "I am a child of God!" It brought tears to my eyes. Not be outdone, my son followed with his own line. He first filled his role as entertainer by making sure the adult next to him was very aware (and thanks to the mic, so was everyone else) that "I don't need any help!" then he delivered his line (without any help!)and proudly marched down the steps back to his seat, where he gave me a happy thumbs up!

That was about where he finished following the prepared script. You see, someone had taken his seat next to his best buddy, and there was nothing that is teacher could do to get him to sit in another one. He defiantly stood at the front with his arms crossed and lip out for about three songs before she realized the problem and moved him over. Then of course, he refused to stand at all for the singing, stubbornly perched on that little chair with his hands over his eyes, so that no one could take his seat again. Finally with about ten minutes to go, he took advantage of the distracted teacher and made a run for it to my seat. Well, it was his first try, at least he said his lines!

I love primary program day, I think it is one of my favorite Sundays of the whole year. Aside from the distractions, I really love sitting there and feeling the spirit. As I think back, all my significant testimony confirming moments of the past few years have occurred in primary. There is something about the innocence and purity of their little hearts that makes it an effective conduit for the Holy Ghost to do his job. I am starting to enjoy my time in Relief Society again, but do miss primary!

Watch your language, please!

Earlier this week Andrew caught me off-guard when I was reading a book out loud to him. He stopped me in the middle of the page and said, "Mommy! You said a bad word!" Of course, we happened to be in sacrament metting and he of course said it loud enough for everyone around us to hear. What was this terrible swear word found lurking in the pages of David and Goliath? I can't type it of course but here is a clue: st*p*d. Yep, thats the one that I shall be forever judged by for swearing in church. On the one hand, I am certainly glad that in his mind, that is as bad as it gets. And that he doesn't say it. On the other, well, now people around us think I have a potty mouth, in church no less. Ahh, my injured pride.

Lenna got off the bus today and said that some kids on the bus always say a bad word, and it makes her feel bad, and she was too embarrassed to tell on them because then she would have to say the word. But that it made her feel bad every time she heard it and that today they were even yelling it so it hurt her ears. Well, you can imagine my over-reaction. I was ready to call the school and complain about the lack of discipline on the bus, give up an hour of my free time in the afternoon to go back to the dreaded carpool line to protect her innocent little ears, and start wallowing in the mother guilt that comes with selfishly sending my child on the bus just to save time and gas for myself. Thankfully, Lenna dug up the courage to whisper the offending word to me, after I promised she wouldn't get in trouble. Ready? Here it is: s*ut *p! I had to keep from laughing with relief that the worst she could do was that. And of course dread the inevitable a few years from now when the burning in her ears is justified.

Oh, to let them be little for just a while longer!

Thank yous on Thursday

Thank you to the women who, two different times this week, gave their kid's meal toy to my son. It saved me from an a-la-carte meltdown and made Andy feel special as the toys came with compliments for his blue eyes and good behavior.

Thank you to the three women who watched my children Monday afternoon while I went to the doctor. It is so much easier to tolerate the doctor running late when I am sitting with just myself to entertain, not worrying about how much longer until the exam room starts getting torn apart while the kids wait.

Thank you to the primary for making up those great little invite cards for the program. I don't think anything will come of it, but Lenna was so excited to give them out to her teacher and friends at school. None of them agreed to come, but I was impressed that she had no reservations about handing them out and inviting them to church. I wish I was that brave!

Thank you to my sister, Emily, for the bath and body works gift card. I had so much fun in there today looking around and smelling and choosing something completely impractical for myself. Andrew fell in love with the fluffy sheep, and I was taken with the pumpkin and the cranberry candles, along with the pomegranate body wash and body butter. And since it was supposed to be a gift, I didn't worry about what was a good deal (they were on sale anyhow!) or if it was too extravagant for my budget.

Thank you to Andrew, who spent the entire day running errands with me without complaining, begging, or asking to be carried. He sat through a portrait session (he is too cute, if you ask me), walked through the mall, left the teddy bear store without complaining, didn't break anything or run away in the lotion store, gave me plenty of notice to take him to the potty, requested fruit and milk instead of soda and fries with his chicken nuggets, and even survived an hour in the craft store with his indecisive mom without a breakdown when I wouldn't buy the Lightening McQueen fleece kit or the $3 vitamin water at the checkout. He definitely gave me a nice gift today!

Miracle Monday

My blog has been whiny the past few months. I need to be more positive. Yes, sucky things happen, but that isn't all that happens! Every Monday I am going to force myself to reflect on the past week and pull out the positives, the mini-miracles that happen around me all the time that I often overlook, at least in writing here. So here it, the inaugural post for "Miracle Monday"

5 Miracles I have seen this week:

1. Ultrasound image of my little girl, all scrunched up and sucking her thumb.

I love technology. It really is amazing the things that we can do today with modern medicine. Seeing a real little person in there always makes being pregnant so much more real, like it isn't just a huge stomach, it is an actual tiny person in there! With her own face, and hands, and unique look of complete dissatisfaction at being stuffed upside down into a confined space that doesn't yield to her constant pushing to get out. (FYI update, as of today, baby is in perfect position, but cervix is stubbornly unchanged)

2. My little boy, sound asleep and still.

He woke me in the middle of the night to help get his clothes changed into something warmer, then pleaded for me to stay until he fell asleep so he wouldn't be scared. At 3AM, giving in is easier than enforcing good sleep habits, so I stayed. Just before he fell asleep he put his little arms around my neck, kissed my nose, and said "Mommy, sometimes we fit together just like a puzzle." Even at 3AM, I was touched. And then he fell asleep and lay peacefully still, something that never happens while he is awake.

3. Heavenly Father's paintbrush.

I picked a gorgeous leaf up from the parking lot yesterday. The colors were perfect, yellow with red lines and tips, not yet browned from time on the ground. I kept it in the window for a few days. I love the fall, the nice weather, the great colors, the smell of woodsmoke in the mornings. I am always awed by the beautiful colors Heavenly Father put here at this time of year.

4. A sense of belonging.

I have never really had a place that I call "home." One of those places you can answer right away when someone asks you where you are from. I have to generalize and qualify any answer I come up with. My dad was always looking to do better and provide a better life for his family, so we moved A LOT when I was growing up in pursuit of every better opportunity. I think the longest we ever stayed in one place was about 3 years, sometimes barely staying in one place long enough to hit the year mark. Anyway, that life is not so conducive to helping a shy and socially awkward girl learn to make friends and fit in. Anyway, it has taken a while for me to get over it. Still after about a year in one place I have to dramatically rearrange the furniture or something to keep from going crazy. We have lived here for just over three years now, breaking my previously held record for living anywhere. Now I guess when people ask where I am from, I can answer "Georgia" with just as much validity as CA or UT. Anyway, I walked into church yesterday with a stack of 30 thank-you cards to hand out from my birthday and baby shower. I must say, I have never known the names of that many people, let alone been able to call that many people my friends. I sat for a minute reflecting on how at-home I felt there in the back of the chapel, surrounded by people I know and who care about me, and felt at peace. I do think that is the first time ever.

5. I am not running on empty.

Not gasoline, though some weeks this would be an appropriate thing to be grateful for. I thinking more about emotionally. That even on the days (mostly nights) when I am so tired that I think I have absolutely nothing left to give of myself, I can do it anyway. I can make it to answer one more cry from a bad dream, one more dose of Motrin to cool a fevered brow, one more hug to stop the tears of a hurt child, one more hour to listen to my over-burdened husband. One more hour of hope to hold off the despair. We talked in RS about our trials, "weathering the storms of life." I was reminded that no matter what we are up against, that we are never given more than we can handle, that even when we feel completely depleted, that the Lord will give us strength, that one last bit of energy, empathy, faith, or hope that we need to make it through. And that is a miracle, I think.

Seen any miracles today?

Happy Birthday to me!

Yes, a few weeks late but still worth writing about, right?

My birthday this year was full of lots of surprises. Good ones, of course.

The day before my boss had sent home a note to all the kids telling them it was my birthday, so I was met with lots of cute cards, birthday drawings, a potted plant (it is still alive, I think!), and some treats.

The actual day of my birthday Mike was working all day and had class at night so we planned to celebrate as a family the next night. I had some errands to run on base, so I took Andy to a play date and met Mike between errands for lunch. We had to meet in the parking lot and eat in the car since he wasn't allowed to leave for more then about 20 minutes, but it was still nice to see him for a while.

That night after dinner (a free pizza from the pizza place by OMNI, I forgot the name but you get a free one on your birthday) we had cupcakes (leftover from Andy's party, but still good) and Lenna gave me a gift she had bought with her tooth fairy money at the dollar store. I was honored she was willing to share!

That night was supposed to be our book club meeting at my house, but it didn't work out very well-only two people RSVP'd. We decided to cancel and do something for my birthday instead. My friend D offered to take me out for dinner instead of doing book club, which was fine with me- I put the vacuum down immediately! Mike got home just in time to keep the kids and we left. I was surprised at the restaurant by several friends that had been called and all came to help me celebrate my birthday. It was so nice! I haven't had a "girlfriend party" for my birthday since I was about 13. I think it was just what I needed to feel better about things, esp since the next day was our fun hospital adventure. We had salad and cheesecake (the calories in cheesecake are cancelled out if you have just salad for dinner, don't you know?) and even got the typical waiters' serenade with dessert.

The next day we had a birthday party here at home. Mike made a great dinner and bought a yummy chocolate cake. The kids made cards (Andy even wrote "happy birthday mom" on his all by himself, I was so impressed!) and I got a nice pair of new earrings I had been wanting. Mike even put the kids to bed so I could have a quiet night and read my new book from my mom and let me sleep in the next morning. What a great present!

I am so very grateful for all the people who took time to help me celebrate, it is nice to feel loved!

Getting Prepared

Today I feel like I am finally ready to have this baby!

What I have done to get ready:
*Pack an overnight bag for each child, complete with meds and specialty toothpaste.
*Pack an overnight bag for myself, including a very cute and photo-worthy going home outfit for baby (better be a girl, or he is going home in pink!)
*Removed baby doll from car seat, swing, and bassinet.
*Charge three sets of camera batteries and bought two extra DVDs for camcorder.
*Practiced buckling car seat into back seat of the car. Tight squeeze, we need a van!
*Set up crib, bassinet, changing table, dresser, swing bouncy seat, and folded three loads of little tiny laundry. I am sure it won't be so fun next time but I enjoyed matching all those tiny socks....
*Removed baby doll again from car seat, swing, and bassinet.
*Made card with phone numbers of extended family so Mike knows who to call after the birth.
*Programed numbers of everyone I know into my cell phone so that I will be able to reach someone if I go into labor and need a sitter or a ride.
*Gave up on removing baby dolls, who now sleep in the bassinet, swing, and car seat. Promised to buy play ones when baby comes so baby doll won't be homeless.

I think I am pretty ready.

Here are some things I wish I had done to prepare for this pregnancy:
*Gone to the gym more, especially to do squats and lunges-my legs ache from squatting to pick things up since I can't bend over anymore, and bicep curls, for easier baby lifting.
*Re-arranged the bedroom furniture to accommodate an extra bed. Our bed is just too small now for Mike, me, baby, and stray child with a nightmare.
*Bought stock in Tums and Hershey, whose profits have gone up the last nine months because of my buying habits.
*Kegels. Definitely should have done more Kegels.
*Put in an in-ground pool for the GA summer.
*Slept, in case I could maybe store some up.
*Widened the doorways- has the door to the closet/bathroom/bedroom always been that narrow?
*Done more research with child-development experts to be prepared to answer the following questions asked by my children:
When is the baby coming (to be repeated every week for 40 weeks, every day the last two weeks)?
How did the baby get in there?
Can it see/hear/smell/feel me doing this? How about this? or this?
How do (insert name of any animal you can think of) make babies?
How will the baby get out? Will it hurt?
Can we trade it in for a brother if I don't like it?
If I poke your stomach really hard will the bubble pop and make it come out?
Can I feed it my cheerios?
Can I take her for show and tell for my birthday?
Will she want to play with my toys? DO I have to share?
Can I feed it a bottle? How do you make baby milk? Will I?
Where will I go when you have a baby? What if we are trick-or-treating/at school/on a field trip/in the store/at church/sleeping (insert any other imaginable scenario here) what will you do?
Do they all look that squished up and yucky like the one in the book?
Can I take a bath with her?
Can she wear my doll's clothes?
How long until she will crawl/walk/talk/eat/play/sit up/play cars with me?
Can I sleep in your hospital bed and use the remote? Can I have breakfast in bed, too?
Can we all just sleep there with you?
Do babies really only eat, poop, cry, and sleep all day long?
I don't have to touch the diapers do I? I don't want to get poop on me.
Will she throw up on me?
Where do belly buttons come from? Does it hurt?
Mom, where is your belly button?
Mom, do you think you can get any bigger without breaking?
Mom, how did you get those neat purple stripes on your belly? Can I have some?
Mom, do you think that you will even fit in the gate to the park? I bet you are way too big for the seat belt on the rides, so you better stay here.
Mom, do all pregnant moms walk so slow?
Why can't you pick me up, carry me up the stairs, hold me on your lap, carry my bike up the hill, tie my shoes, use the dustpan, or lift me onto my top bunk anymore?
How much longer until we have a new brother, too?

I guess there is always the next one....

What kind of Music Do I Like?

People ask me that all the time, and I honestly have no idea, but I am figuring it out little by little. My blog now sings! I created a playlist with some songs I do like, shamelessly stealing from the playlists I found on some of my friends' blogs. So there you have it. Songs I listen to now, some that remind me of high school or college dances, and others that remind me of Mike or my kids. I was suprised at how much country snuck in there. Enjoy, or push the pause button so you don't have to listen to it.

Six Flags Over Georgia

Hooray for the Air Force. Thanks to them we were able to go to Six Flags for free a few weekends ago. I would not have gone in my uh, condition, if I had to buy a ticket but I figured I could be the photographer for the day instead.
It was the last really hot weekend of the summer, one last chance for a dehydrated sunburn!
We did have a good time. The kids loved the rides, and are getting big enough for some of the in-between rides like the mini coasters, log ride, bumper cars. Andy loved driving the go-cart with Mike and seeing Thomas the Tank Engine. Lenna liked the big girl roller coaster and the log ride. I enjoyed the unlimited refills of the water bottle. Even if I could have fit in the ride seats, I am glad I passed. I tried the carousel and even that made me nauseous!



Checking out the park map



Log ride, starting off dry.


Thomas Land, the conductor and on-board Thomas himself!
Racing the go-cart. Andrew is sure he won the race!

The highlight for both kids (not so much for dad who was ready to go home!) was the little roller coaster. They both loved it, and if the line wasn't an hour, we would have taken them again.

Trying out the swings.

My kids don't' watch Loony Tunes so have no idea who the characters were, but Marvin the Martian was my favorite as a kid, so I made Lenna pose for a pic with me.

A fun day! The hospital-looking wristband was for free drink refills. Next year I am dragging Mike on all the coasters I loved as a teen when we went to Six Flags in CA. Thanks Six Flags for the Military Appreciation days!

Happy Birthday to Andrew

Andrew had a birthday recently. We celebrated several times! I guess that is the joy of being little, everything can be about you!

He took two friends to Monkey Joe's for an afternoon of fun. Here are a few shots:

A whole building full of things to climb on, and I found them here: Not even using tokens, they were playing the welcome screen over and over. Gotta love those buzzed heads (military dads)!

Pizza and cupcakes for all!

We celebrated at home with a race track cake and presents. Not so bad, if I do say so myself. I know the cars are not to scale, but he insisted on using these particular cars. And I only found about three fingerprints in the icing by dinner time.

He took half the cake to school the next day to have mini party with his friends.

Look how much I've grown!

Sorry I couldn't turn the picture. I tried, but am not having a good technology day.

New Rules

New rule for self: no blogging after 10PM unless it is just captioning pictures. Otherwise, my posts turn out way more desperate-sounding than I intend. When you are dead-tired, everything is a crisis of sorts. So no more late-night posting for me.
I am insecure about my mothering abilities and wonder how things will work out, but I know they will. I really just wanted to share with you my adventures of the past month, tell you how much I enjoy my new book and blog discovery, and to express my feelings of apprehension concerning the upcoming change in our family and wondering how it is going to affect all of us. The last part kind of took on a life of its own. Sorry about that, it was the sleep desperation taking over.
And finally, thank you for your support. I know we will make it through the rough times, and could definitely use your gentle reminders to look for the joyous times as well!

PS Baby dropped yesterday. Steady pressure-filled contractions in just he lower half for about two days straight. The end is near! (I hope).

Motherhood

I have not been posting lately. Sorry about that, or, you're welcome, depending on your perspective.
This past month has been a little crazy. Just when I thought I had the routine down pat, things go nuts. I remember a line from a song (I don't remember which song) that goes "If you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." I think that applies to me. Like He is trying hard to to tell me that no matter how self-sufficient or independent I think I am, that I still can't do it all alone. So just when I think I have everything under control and start to get a little proud or rely on myself a little too much, He sends a reminder my way, that I am NOT self-sufficient or independent at all. That I need other people- I need my husband, my friends, my church family, my extended family, and especially the Lord, to really get through anything.
For example, just after writing that I think I have everything under control, that I have a good routine and a normal week, etc, we have an adventure. The car breaks down and I need to call someone for help, it screws up my grand financial plan for the months when I am not working the rest of this year, and leaves me stranded and relying on other people for help. My husband is gone, so I have to actually use my own brain to solve the problem.
Then Lenna has major dental work, reminding me about all the challenges I face as a mother, trying so hard to do the best for my children and really not having a clue what that is.
I think I finally come to terms with my husbands struggles with his chronic health issues and the strain it puts on our family, then he has a major health scare. One that forces me to again rely on other people, but most importantly reminds me how much I love and need my husband, in any capacity I can have him. How scared I was of losing him, and again how how loved I was by all the people in our ward family who reached out to help or offer help when we needed it.
Throw in some struggles at work, and the normal ups and downs of pregnancy, and well, I was really messed up, but also learning some hard lessons that I think I could not have learned any other way. And I will never be so confident as to say "I have everything under control and figured out" any time soon!
So now that I have tried to excuse myself from my long absence, I will get down to business! I have a lot of catching up to do in the way of journaling, but that can come later. I wanted to share a bit about my internal workings the last few days.
First, my mom sent me a great book for my birthday. It is called "the mother in me" by Kathryn Soper. It is really a collection of shorts about motherhood. Anyway, I am about halfway through and love it! It is not your typical Deseret motherhood book, with a great cover and well-known author but not much in the way of content. It is actually full of really good, intelligent, truthful writing by women in different stages of life. I have been brought to tears several times (disclaimer: could be the pregnancy hormones) either by the emotions expressed in the writing or by being reminded of something personal that brought some emotions out. The book is based on the essays published in a LDS women's magazine called "Segullah" and they also have a website and blog that you can read. It is one of my new favorites.
Anyway, after all that introduction, my nightly reading has gotten me thinking about motherhood. Specifically, my roll as a mother and the huge responsibility it is. Of course it also sends me off on a journey of self-doubt and the infamous mother-guilt rears its ugly head.
I have just spent an hour folding tiny little onsies and sleepers and with nothing good on TV to keep me entertained, I was left to ponder my own thoughts (scary!).
I realized that the posts I place here are often venting, expressing my discomfort or frustration with this pregnancy. Let me clear things up by saying that I am thrilled to be having a baby. We waited a long time for this baby to come along, knowing over a year before we conceived that our little girl, even down to her name, was waiting for us to get things together and make a place for her here. That waiting felt like an eternity! I am so very grateful that we can have children without medical help, even if it takes a while, that my body has somehow figured things out enough to be capable of being the location of something so miraculous. I took it for granted the first time, but with so many people we love on both sides of our family even, who struggle to have children, I have been reminded how lucky we are. And I am grateful to be "medically boring" as my doctor once said, and that the worst things I have to complain about are feet in my ribs and swollen ankles. I wasn't sure I even wanted to have children when we were first married, or that I would have more than one. But as time goes by and we get older and perhaps wiser we are a little more open letting someone even wiser tell us what His plans are for us, which seem to include more children. So there. I love my husband and kids, and my unborn baby, even tho she already has her days and nights mixed up, gave me a third layer of stretch marks by hanging out sideways for a week, and is turning me into an emotional wreck.
So what have I been thinking about the last few nights over loads of laundry composed of miniature pink nightgowns and tiny white socks? Myself, of course.
In that, how will I ever do it all? (see above, I still need reminders) How can I possibly give this baby all she needs without short-changing my husband and my other two kids? How can I support my husband in his career and education and health struggles while being consumed with the demands of caring for a newborn and recovering from childbirth myself? (read, who is going to carry the kids to bed in the middle of the night when neither of us can lift anything that heavy? Or how many days can I ask him to miss from work and school to help me at home without making him get behind)
And what about the older ones? Is it fair to postpone Lenna's extra-curricular stuff just because I know I will be too tired/busy/overwhelmed to try and fit in one more activity before dinner? And how many times will she have to hear that I can't make/buy/attend/etc another school thing because of a newborn before she starts getting resentful? And how often will she be stuck being the helper when my hands are full? I don't ever want her to feel like the over-burdened oldest child stuck pulling more than her far share of the weight because mom got busy having babies and forgot about her or forced her to be the mom instead of the big sister. This week alone I have sent her off in tears because I wouldn't' pay $20 a kid for the school carnival, can't chaperon her pumpkin patch trip because it is on the 30th and 1 1/2 hrs away and didn't want to go into labor in a cornfield with a bunch of first graders as birth attendants, and told her she couldn't take her sister for show and tell the week after she was born.
And then of course there is Andrew, the middle child, only boy, my baby who isn't a baby any more, and the one who had to experience the joys of day care while mom went back to work for a year and a half. I always worry he was irreparably harmed in some way. That I missed those golden preschool years that should have been filled with walks at park and library story time and play dates and "mom time" and instead he was in someone else's care 20 hrs a week. Yes, I know that millions of children do full time day care for their entire lives and seem to come out alright, but that doesn't mesh with my whole mom guilt trip thing so I am ignoring that fact. And I will always wonder what it was I missed that could have been important. And now that I can finally be at home with him, will he be so accustomed to daily school and friends and excitement that he won't want to be home with me? That I missed my window somehow. I worry that he will get lost in the middle, never having those years like Lenna did with me all to himself, not getting to be the youngest, and not having that little brother to share outdoor adventures with. The very least, if we have another one in two years and it is a boy, he will be 6 or 7 years older, not exactly best playmate ages. So he will be the boy in the middle, always different and on his own with no one to sword fight with except a distracted and exhausted set of parents. Seriously, as I type it out now I can't seem to express the real worry and regret I felt that drove me to sob into my poor husband's pajamas last night when he really just wanted to go to sleep after a long day and I am sure he thought I was completely nuts but he let me cry anyway.
So.. that is what I have been thinking about. How I am going to do it!
To all you veterans out there, moms of many who have made it through mostly unharmed, how do you do it?

ER's and EKG's

I always complain about no one ever telling me anything until it is forever past, so I thought I would stick my news here. I know everyone is too far away to do anything but pray, so that is what I will ask for.
Anyway, Mike was out working in the yard yesterday trying to get the weeds and overgrown flower beds under control because his prideful wife was complaining her friends were coming over and would have to bring machetes to get up the front walk because it had been so long since anyone had pulled the weeds or cut the grass. I should have just gone out and done it myself, and not worried about what the doctor would say about going into labor two weeks early or the athsma attack I usually get when I am outside and the grass gets cut.
Anyway, after about three hours of labor I went outside to tell Mike that lunch was ready and found him sitting in the middle of the yard not moving, having trouble breathing and complaining of chest pain. He debated for a few minutes about what he should do but after nearly collapsing in the shower he agreed to let me drive him to the ER. I called a friend from church to meet us there and take the kids.
After several hours and lots of tests they decided that he was not having a heart attack (hooray!) but had no idea what happened or how to fix it (frustrating). They kept him there for about five hours until his breathing returned to normal and his heart rate lowered to normal. They sent him home to take his regular meds and get some rest and see if his regular doctor could do anything for him on Monday.
it is scary to have to take someone you care about to the emergency room and not know what is going on. I was so grateful that I had someone to call who would drop everything and drive 20 minutes to come get my kids and keep them indefinitely, so that I could focus all my worrying energy on Mike instead of keeping them busy or wondering if they were being fed or felt safe. I was not grateful to the doctors who treated everything so routinely, not bothering to answer my questions or come back when the alarms started going off or anything like that. It might have been their fiftieth heart attack scare this week, but it was our first! I just wanted to cry out of frustration!
A good thing to come out of this- we are now on the ward radar screen. It didn't occur to me that the friend I called was the wife of someone in the Elder's Q presidency. But my home teachers called this morning, the bishopric pulleld me aside after conference this morning, and the YM president sitting a row in front of us has a bunch of deacons with weed wackers on call. Mike really hasn't been able to touch the yard since spring, with allergies and the agonizing pain of just pushing a mower but would never let me call anyone to take care of it. At least now he is willing to let someone help. I think it helped that his mom offered to call the bishop for us and get the elders over. I know the yard thing doesn't seem like a big deal but in GA the plants can grow over your head in less than a month and you have to keep at it all year long. If it gets too out of control the kids start showing up with mysterious rashes and such.
Anyway, that was our adventure. I think everything will be ok. i just wanted to let you know!
Jannet