Growing Up

My friend Sue had posted on her blog about an article she read talking about how society is pressuring girls to grow up too soon. She is the mother of three boys and expecting a girl. She wrote about her concerns in raising a girl. I commented, but it turned long enough I figured I would just post it here and get credit for writing something since I have not really felt like posting for a while. That and Rebecca is sleeping more at night and Mike is home in the evenings, so I don't spend as much time online as I have been.

Anyway, here is the link to the article. Here is what I think. What do you think?

I agree! The article has a lot of things right. Three yr old princesses in off the shoulder dresses can grow into seven yr old divas and sexy middle school-ers.
I have a 7 yr old and am fighting that right now! She came home to first week of kindergarten and swore off baby shows and toys, pleading to watch high school musical, Hannah Montana, and the Disney channel junk. I asked why, because she really had no idea what any of that was and she told me that is what the kids were playing on the playground and she needed to know it so she could join in. She stopped playing with boys on the playground because kids started singing that "first comes love" song at them.
Clothes shopping is a chore. It is hard to find clothes that don't have a character splashed across the front, are immodest, or just plain too grown up. Bras and panties in size 5? A first grader in a string bikini? Halter tops, mini skirts, and body glitter? Help!
We have turned off Disney because Hannah is now kissing boys and having breakdowns at the mall over make up and clothes. The girl wizard cheats on tests, flunks out to get detention and be with boys, goes on dates, lies to her parents, and treats her family terribly. London is shallow and stupid, but it is OK because she is pretty and rich. Even tinker bell is marketed as a sexy brat. Stuck in a waiting room I saw a cartoon where the main story line was a usually smart girl played dumb to get the boys to like her and carry her books.
I wanted to cover her eyes and ears. And my son's who needs to learn that boys can be athletic and smart and respectful at the same time! I don't mind her being "girly". I think femininity should be encouraged, as long as it is the pig tails, ballet shoes, baby dolls, and twirly dresses kind. Not the mini skirts and make up kind. I curl her hair when she wants and gave her a trunk full of princess dresses. But I also want her to know that it is OK to play in the dirt outside, scrape her knees kicking a soccer ball, be a doctor when she grows up, and be the smartest princess at the ball, even if it makes the prince feel dumb.
I read a book in college called "Reviving Ophelia" that goes along these lines, it is a good read.
I taught preschool and was amazed at the differences in the girls I saw- some still young and innocent, others who could sing all the words to the pussy cat dolls and dance provocatively to match. I love that my brother bought his toddler daughter at tool belt for Christmas, that my niece had super hero and star wars themed birthday parties, and my brother-in-law puts his girls to work driving tractor mowers and building houses in the summer time, and my other nieces play volleyball and march in the band as well as take gifted classes. I also admire that wonder woman does ballet, the girl in the middle of two brothers has a barbie doll collection, and the house builders take time out for piano and choir and sewing.
I love that when I was growing up my parents encouraged me to be smart, supported me in athletics, and didn't push me to be girly with make up and heels before I was ready, and dressed me in clothes that provided for tree climbing, bike riding, and sidewalk sliding. But at the same time allowed me to be a girl by providing plenty of dolls, tying ribbons in my hair and sewing me long twirly dresses for Sunday, buying me pink flowered bed spreads, and gently encouraging (OK, forcing sometimes) me to dress up for dances and prom when my self confidence wasn't up to the job. They let me get married young, but encouraged me to complete my college education, and understood when I chose to become a stay at home mom.
Raising girls is tough. How do you teach them to embrace womanhood, enjoy being a daughter of God, but not be hampered by gender stereotypes. To embrace femininity but not become feminist? Where is the balance between protecting them and letting them grow?

Raising boys is an issue for another post entirely, but it has its moments, too!

Christmas tag

I have been sent this one by three people. I guess I might as well answer it, since I have nothing better to write about, other than to complain about over-booked doctor's offices and school nurses with over-reacting thermometers who steal Christmas parties from 1st graders.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I love using wrapping paper, but I do use gift bags in a time crunch.
2. Real tree or Artificial? Like the smell and look of a real tree, but prefer breathing, so we have a fake one.
3. When do you put up the tree? The day after Thanksgiving.
4. When do you take the tree down? Whenever I get around to it. Sometime in January.
5. Do you like eggnog? yuck!
6. Favorite gift received as a child? New pajamas on Christmas Eve. Until I was a teen they were handmade. I loved that they were made just for me, no one else had worn them first! I loved that for the few hours it took to make them, my mom had been thinking of just me. Maybe that is why I am so set on sewing my kids pjs.
7. Hardest person to buy for? parents and grandparents. What do you get for people who already have everything?
8. Do you have a nativity scene? Yes- 4 of them. The little people one is my favorite. I don't have to protect it- they can carry baby Jesus around all they want.
9. Mail or email Christmas cards? Both, depending on how much time I have, if we have pictures to send, etc. Sometimes neither when I am behind, then we send valentines.
10. Worst gift ever received? How about not received? I remember in jr high/high school I asked for roller blades for three years in a row, and each year watched my brothers get a pair. Never got any- was so bummed. I have never had a worst gift.
11. Favorite Christmas movie/show? Still looking for "the one". A Christmas Story because it reminds me of my mom (that she likes it, not that anything in there is like her), the traditional cartoons because they are tradition. Don't really like watching movies more than once, so it is hard.
12. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Late November, after birthdays are done so I don't repeat gifts and have to return stuff.
13. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? Yes. Passed on several teacher gift baskets last year. Gifts for the kids they already have or I didn't want them to have go to birthday parties and school exchanges.
14. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? Dessert. Almost anything will do.
15. Lights on the tree? White
16. Favorite Christmas song? I can't decide. I love them all!
17. Travel at Christmas or stay home? I prefer to stay home, but will travel if that is the only way to see family.
18. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? Only if I sing it.
19. Angel on the tree top or a star? Star
20. Open the presents Christmas Eve or Day? One present on Christmas Eve (usually pjs) and the rest on Christmas morning.
21. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? Advertisements, traffic, and pressure to do too much.
22. Favorite ornament theme or color? I am traditional- like red and green (I cringe at the bright pink and neon green theme I saw this year). I like handmade ornaments that have a memory attached.
23. Favorite for Christmas dinner? Ham, and dessert of course
24. What do you want for Christmas this year? A full night's sleep. For my husband to be pain-free. Lenna's travel machine so we can see all of our extended family. More time- to get stuff done, to spend with my husband and kids, for myself.
25. Who is most likely to respond to this? Don't know- most people I know already sent it to me!
26. Who is least likely to respond to this? Anyone with a Y chromosome.

It's Begining to Look a Lot Like Christmas

We have started Christmas preparations at our house. Still have four boxes to go, I am not sure I am even going to open them. However, here are few favorite pictures.

This year we happened to have two trees, so we let the kids decorate the smaller one all by themselves. Mike put on the lights, but they did everything else. Even selecting the ornaments- my favorite is the GI Joe jet plane that made it on to the bottom branch. If it has a hook or a hole, it is fair game!

We also made some cookies. Andy and I baked the gingerbread while Lenna was at school but saved the decorating for when she was at home. It took almost a week to find a non-chaotic evening to put the frosting on. We were cutting out an army of little gingerbread men when Andy found the puppy cookie cutter, so now we have gingerbread dogs to go with the little men, in case you were wondering what that shape was.



There are of course a few other random photos thrown in because I didn't want to make a new album and edit them out. Consider them freebies!

Say Cheese!

I was trying to get a picture of all the kids together for a card photo. It was an exciting 10 minutes. Rebecca just wanted to go to sleep. Andy was AWOL by the last two frames. Lenna refused to take off the princess crown- you know, typical family photo shoot. What do you think?

Bald is Beautiful

Lenna and Andrew were both born with plenty of hair. Lenna's doctor joked about braiding it while waiting for me to push her out. They both still have heads full of thick blond curly hair that they can credit to their daddy (sorry, no digital baby pics on this computer, you will have to take my word for it).

Miss Rebecca, not so much. She is adorned with a layer of fine blond fuzz. I wonder where she gets it?

Me, about 6 months old, spring of 1980

Rebecca, about 5 weeks old.

All I can say is, bald is beautiful!

Lowering the bar

Is it bad, do you think, for a four year old boy to eat nothing but peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for three days straight? What if he is coming off a week-long only oatmeal with raisins jag?

Is it bad, do you think, for your seven year old to go out in red stiped socks, a blue skirt, and a pink tee? How about in pjs to school?

Is it bad, do you think, for a mom to wear pjs to drive her daughter to school every day for about a month?

Is it bad, do you think, to feed your family (except for previously mentioned boy) things like microwaved chicken nuggets, canned soup, boxed pasta meals, or even cold cereal for dinner because you are limited to what you can prepare with one arm and no sleep?

Is it bad, do you think, to pray no one shows up for book club because you don't feel up to vacuuming or baking or changing out of your gym clothes?

Just wondering. I hope not.

One of those moments

I have a confession to make.
Sometimes I go to the bathroom, even when I don't have to really use the bathroom for its intended purpose. Sometimes I go in, lock the door, sit down, and put my hands over my ears to block out the sounds of neediness. Sometimes I turn on the light, other times it is better to not have to look at myself in mirror, so I leave it off. I am happy to report that those days come less frequently now than before, but do happen occasionally.

Yesterday I had one of those moments. I had gone to the bathroom, this time to actually use it for something besides hiding. I left Rebecca in the kitchen in her swing. Lenna was at the table doing homework, Andrew was using the other bathroom. The bathroom I was in shares one wall with the kitchen and one with the other bathroom, so I could easily hear what was going on in the other rooms even though I couldn't see it. It started with some crying from the kitchen. Not all out wailing, but the stop and start warning cry that babies do that lets you know your time is very limited. I could hear the seat going up and down in the other bathroom, meaning Andrew was getting down to business.

Then it happened. The crying from the kitchen changed to wailing. The toilet paper roll started unwinding, followed by yells for "Mommy Cross (Andy needs everything to have a last name this week) I need you!" Lenna started pounding on the door calling my name. As the only mobile one, she felt it her duty to inform me of the distressed situations of the other two. This was followed by her own tears, as she cries compassionately along when either sibling cries now days. That instant the phone began to ring. I was waiting for the doorbell but was spared that one.

I realized at that moment, I had a choice. I could put my hands over my ears and cry. I could yell through the doors and walls to my children to just wait a minute and at least let me finish before they started demanding things. Or I could laugh.

So I did something I haven't done in a very long time- I laughed about it. Lenna stopped crying form shock and went to give Rebecca a pacifier. Eventually the toilet paper stopped unrolling (plunger anyone?). I finished, helped Andrew do the same, hugged Lenna (we will have a post about the injustice of having two crying children at the price of one later), and picked up the baby. The caller hung up without leaving a message, so it must not have been that important.

And as quickly as it began, it was done. No crisis, no lasting damage, no emotional scars from a crazy undone mother- because I chose to laugh instead.

I hope that more and more of my visits to the bathroom will be for physical needs instead of emotional ones because I have a choice, and I want to choose joy.

Looking in, Reaching out, Holding on, Finding Joy in the Journey.

Rebecca took a long nap today, which gave me some time to think after putting the kids to bed. Since she took a long evening nap, she took a long time time to go to bed. This gave me some more time to do some writing while we rocked. I had been working on this essay for a writing contest, which I have already talked myself out of entering. Anyway, this is what I had been working on. It is a rough draft, not finished, and very unpolished. I hope you will forgive the errors. I thought I would share anyway since one of my goals was to share more personal stuff in addition to the narratives. So here you go- one of the deep things.

There is something about life-changing events that makes you look inward and examine your self. If life is a journey of self-discovery, there are certain stops along the way that provide more opportunity for growth and introspect than others.

As we press forward, through valleys and canyons, over hills and mountains, around unexpected curves in the road or down roads worn with familiarity, we learn things about ourselves and our traveling companions. We walk sometimes in darkness, stumbling on unseen obstacles and grasping out for something, if only each other, to hold onto that will lead us back to safety. Other times we walk in light: a soft light that brings us to tread softly and slowly, listening in the stillness for direction from a divine source; or perhaps a bright light that allows us to throw our arms up and run freely with shouts of joy, until we are nearly blinded from looking too long at the sun and are forced to reluctantly look back down at the path our feet are treading.

We sometimes follow a path we have chosen and mapped out far in advance, other times chart a course through the unknown led only by faith and hope for what might lay around the next curve. We turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones, helping each other climb higher, walk father, and endure longer than we ever could alone. And we grow together, making stops along the way to rest, to learn, and to prepare for the next leg of the journey.

Your companions may change- first your parents lead you, then your siblings and friends will travel with you, some will stay and others will leave you as they follow their own paths. Sometimes you will have to journey alone as you seek out your own way. Eventually, if you are lucky, you will find a traveling companion who will share your road and your burdens through eternity.

Your challenge will be to remember to look inward and make sure you are becoming the person you want to be, to reach out to those around you to help them on their way, to hold on to the things that are important to you- things that are worth carrying into eternity- and to look not only to your destination, but to find joy in the journey.

Today, my mountain is Motherhood. It is a long leg of my journey, composed of peaks and valleys, gentle slopes, flat plateaus, and steep ascents. The scenery alternates between breathtakingly beautiful views- vistas that allow me to look far ahead at what is coming, or wistfully behind at what has passed- and frightening cliff sides that loom seemingly insurmountable above me or drop perilously downward beside me, threatening any wrong steps.

Some days are easy, the flat valleys and gentle slopes that allow for effortless growth, carefree running, and patient discovery. It is easy to find joy on those days when the laughter flows freely and frequently, when the path is well lit and my steps are sure. It is easy to walk slowly and enjoy the scenery, the company, or the tiny details that might go otherwise unnoticed. I love easy days!

Other days are not so easy. Not especially difficult, but not enjoyable either. A long stretch of trail with monotonous scenery, unpleasant tasks, or long stretches or trail that I walk on all day but never seem to make any progress on. When I spend my time looking behind me waiting impatiently for others to catch up, or carrying the loads of my children in addition to my own, or even moving backwards to make the trail easier or safer for those coming behind me. At the end of the day I haven't climbed to great heights or met any particular challenges, but feel exhausted from the work and frustrated that I have made no forward progress to show for it! Joy is harder to find on those days.

Then there are the hard days. When the path is dark and my steps are unsure. When I fight fear of failure and falling with faith and hope. When the road is rocky or steep and takes all my strength to move forward. When my burdens seem to heavy to carry. When I am motivated to move forward only for the sake of those following, or in order to stay with those leading. When I am so exhausted that all I can do is hold on to those around me and let them pull me along until I can again do it on my own. The joy comes on those days at the end- when the relief is felt more deeply, the gratitude more sincerely, and the joy comes from holding tighter to those around you and looking back at where you have been and what you have accomplished.

The peaks have their own challenges. When you finally reach the top you are met with feelings of pride, satisfaction, and joy mixed with fear, regret, or sadness. You can stand at the top of cliff, standing taller than you have before, stronger and wiser. You can look back at the trail you have conquered and be better prepared for the next level of ascent. Or you can stand at the top of the cliff and look down. You can feel sadness for the things you have left behind, longing for the paths you didn't get to walk, or regret for the mistakes you made. You can stand paralyzed with fear, looking down the cliff at the perils that you could meet with a wrong step and be unable or reluctant to move forward for fear of falling. And all of these are bringing you inevitably closer to the summit.

I have easy days. Days when everyone is healthy and sleeps. When there is more money than bills, when the car works and the sun shines. When I can check everything off my to-do list before dinner. When there is time to play outside and laugh, to read stories and giggle, and to relax at the end of the day in my husbands arms. Of course there are those in-between days, when nothing goes wrong but it feels like all I have done is change diapers and breastfeed all day. When the laundry is still piled up after five loads and when the kids can mess up three rooms in the time it takes me to clean one. When I have to cancel dinner plans to care for a sick child or spend the church hours walking the halls instead of listening in class. And the hard days, when a family member is hospitalized or chronically ill. When we face uncertainty in job loss or moving or family stability. Or days when it just seems like there is too much to carry- stressful jobs, college classes, bills to pay, meals to cook, chores to do, children to teach, groceries to buy, callings to serve in, babies to tend, and never mind your own needs- that there is no way you will ever get it all done.

There are the peaks. The one that started this message. We just had a baby. We stood together at the top after conquering pregnancy and delivery and felt proud and strong and amazed. We just had a baby! That perfect little thing came from us. I kept going when I wanted to give up, I survived the pain and fear and exhaustion, and we came out closer then before. On the other hand we just had a baby! We have been entrusted with the spiritual and temporal welfare of that perfect little being. What if we mess it up? What if I can't do it? There are so very many things that could go wrong! How will we ever do it all?

This particular stop has motivated me to look inward, reach out, hold on, and try to find more joy. I have been trying to look inward at myself. Examining my progress and goals for the future. What kind of parent am I? What kind of mother do I want to be? What kind of person do I want to be? I am trying to find a balance between my identity as a mother and my identity as me. Who am I? Who was I before I became a mother, and what parts of that person do I want to hold on to and what parts can I leave behind?

This has motivated me to reach out. To make more connections with my family and friends. I check the family website daily to keep up with the activities of my parents and siblings. I feel a longing to make these relationships stronger and to resurrect traditions from my childhood to make connections to the past. I have been searching the internet for friends I left behind in high school and college, looking for that part of me that was before I became a wife and mother. I have felt an increased need to reach out to my friends at church and work, to connect with other women who can help me to discover and keep that part of me that is just me, but at the same time support me in my role as a mother.

I also have felt a need to hold on a little tighter to those around me. To embrace my role as wife and mother and to find joy in my journey. I so often get caught up in the negative or monotonous aspects that I miss the joys. I am so busy watching the path in front and counting off my steps, that I forget to look around at the scenery and enjoy the hike with my family. The days I spent in the hospital brought so many insights. I found myself worrying about my children who were away from me, concerned for their comfort and security, even while my own was uncertain. When I finally got the solitude and silence I had been longing for, I spent it missing the very people who had kept it from me for so long. I fainted for a few minutes during a procedure and the first thing I heard was my husband calling my name and the first thing I saw was his concerned face. As I came to and stabilized, I saw manifest in the look in his face, as it changed from concern to relief to joy, how much he really loved me. That he was there with me through the pain and fear and joy and whatever else might come along, and that I was a better, stronger person with him than I ever could be without him. In spite of the challenges of the past month, I have felt an increased desire to hold on a little tighter to my husband and children and those things that make us a better family. Things like prayers and traditions and laughter. I am learning to let go of the extra stuff I have been carrying around for so long!

I still have challenges. The path behind me is paved with stumbling blocks changed into stepping stones, some more smoothly than others. I still need constant reminders to look up, to reach out to others, and to hold on to those precious things that really matter. Hopefully as I continue on I will be able to move forward without dwelling on what is behind or fearing what is around the corner, to look ahead while still living in the moment, and especially to find joy in the journey!

A Word of Caution

Do NOT let your 7 year old watch HGTV all Saturday morning. (no, I do not know why she prefers this to cartoons. She is special) Do NOT let her find the craft box. Do NOT let her know you have a glue gun. Do NOT promise to take her to the craft store or help her with her ideas. You will be overwhelmed, you to-do list will get out-of-control longer, and your mini-Martha Stewart will be disappointed in you and your lack of crafty motivation for the holidays.
And that is all I have to say about that.

PS I will share a picture if there is ever a finished product!

Farewell to the Wild Blue Yonder

Well, it seems we are officially leaving the Air Force! Mike got his official separation orders last week- January 5, 2009. The only thing the military actually does quickly is kick you out! Officially an honorable discharge with severance pay and disability.

Mike has been having health problems for the past few years but they have gotten pretty bad recently. He had a medical evaluation board over the summer, but they had been so long getting back we thought they would just leave him in until this summer when his time ran out. I guess not. Instead it will be complete silence for months, then a 45 day notice that you will soon be unemployed and uninsured.

As much as I hate to see Mike so stressed out- nothing like a new baby, the possibility of upcoming surgery, finals, Christmas, and that little thing called finding a new job, to bring on the stress!- I think it will be a good thing. The timing could be a little better, but on the other hand there was an unexplained delay that allowed us to still be in the Air Force through the birth of the baby (insurance is a good thing) and the holidays (regular paychecks for Christmas are helpful). Another good thing- severance pay. Who can complain about a $20,000+ lump sum payment? Plus a monthly disability payment and free medical care from the VA forever, GI bill payments so Mike can finish school, free stop-gap insurance coverage for me and the kids... Yep, could be a lot worse!! The Air Force will also pay to move us back to Utah- that would be slightly more helpful if we had anything in Utah to go back to but the offer is nice.

However, I do have some questions for anyone out there who can help. Like:
When or hwo do we get the payments? Will be right away or will there some sort of 90-day wait while the paperwork is processed?
Where can we get medical care if they take our IDs away? What good is insurance if you can't access the building...
Will the disabilty pay or VA care cover prescriptions? That is one aspect of military care I will miss- free medicine. Esp for Mike, who takes lots of expensive ones.
How long can we keep the moving benefits in reserve? If we need a year to sell the house and get ready to move, will they wait that long?
Do I need to physically go to the clinic to get copies of all of our medical records? Mike does his in outprocessing but do I need to go get ours?
If he gets a job on base as a civilian contractor or with the agency, will we still get to use all the base stores and such?
And lots more, that don't surface quite right at 3 in the morning (will someone please teach this baby about night and day....)

Anyway, that is our new adventure. Changes, changes!