Looking in, Reaching out, Holding on, Finding Joy in the Journey.

Rebecca took a long nap today, which gave me some time to think after putting the kids to bed. Since she took a long evening nap, she took a long time time to go to bed. This gave me some more time to do some writing while we rocked. I had been working on this essay for a writing contest, which I have already talked myself out of entering. Anyway, this is what I had been working on. It is a rough draft, not finished, and very unpolished. I hope you will forgive the errors. I thought I would share anyway since one of my goals was to share more personal stuff in addition to the narratives. So here you go- one of the deep things.

There is something about life-changing events that makes you look inward and examine your self. If life is a journey of self-discovery, there are certain stops along the way that provide more opportunity for growth and introspect than others.

As we press forward, through valleys and canyons, over hills and mountains, around unexpected curves in the road or down roads worn with familiarity, we learn things about ourselves and our traveling companions. We walk sometimes in darkness, stumbling on unseen obstacles and grasping out for something, if only each other, to hold onto that will lead us back to safety. Other times we walk in light: a soft light that brings us to tread softly and slowly, listening in the stillness for direction from a divine source; or perhaps a bright light that allows us to throw our arms up and run freely with shouts of joy, until we are nearly blinded from looking too long at the sun and are forced to reluctantly look back down at the path our feet are treading.

We sometimes follow a path we have chosen and mapped out far in advance, other times chart a course through the unknown led only by faith and hope for what might lay around the next curve. We turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones, helping each other climb higher, walk father, and endure longer than we ever could alone. And we grow together, making stops along the way to rest, to learn, and to prepare for the next leg of the journey.

Your companions may change- first your parents lead you, then your siblings and friends will travel with you, some will stay and others will leave you as they follow their own paths. Sometimes you will have to journey alone as you seek out your own way. Eventually, if you are lucky, you will find a traveling companion who will share your road and your burdens through eternity.

Your challenge will be to remember to look inward and make sure you are becoming the person you want to be, to reach out to those around you to help them on their way, to hold on to the things that are important to you- things that are worth carrying into eternity- and to look not only to your destination, but to find joy in the journey.

Today, my mountain is Motherhood. It is a long leg of my journey, composed of peaks and valleys, gentle slopes, flat plateaus, and steep ascents. The scenery alternates between breathtakingly beautiful views- vistas that allow me to look far ahead at what is coming, or wistfully behind at what has passed- and frightening cliff sides that loom seemingly insurmountable above me or drop perilously downward beside me, threatening any wrong steps.

Some days are easy, the flat valleys and gentle slopes that allow for effortless growth, carefree running, and patient discovery. It is easy to find joy on those days when the laughter flows freely and frequently, when the path is well lit and my steps are sure. It is easy to walk slowly and enjoy the scenery, the company, or the tiny details that might go otherwise unnoticed. I love easy days!

Other days are not so easy. Not especially difficult, but not enjoyable either. A long stretch of trail with monotonous scenery, unpleasant tasks, or long stretches or trail that I walk on all day but never seem to make any progress on. When I spend my time looking behind me waiting impatiently for others to catch up, or carrying the loads of my children in addition to my own, or even moving backwards to make the trail easier or safer for those coming behind me. At the end of the day I haven't climbed to great heights or met any particular challenges, but feel exhausted from the work and frustrated that I have made no forward progress to show for it! Joy is harder to find on those days.

Then there are the hard days. When the path is dark and my steps are unsure. When I fight fear of failure and falling with faith and hope. When the road is rocky or steep and takes all my strength to move forward. When my burdens seem to heavy to carry. When I am motivated to move forward only for the sake of those following, or in order to stay with those leading. When I am so exhausted that all I can do is hold on to those around me and let them pull me along until I can again do it on my own. The joy comes on those days at the end- when the relief is felt more deeply, the gratitude more sincerely, and the joy comes from holding tighter to those around you and looking back at where you have been and what you have accomplished.

The peaks have their own challenges. When you finally reach the top you are met with feelings of pride, satisfaction, and joy mixed with fear, regret, or sadness. You can stand at the top of cliff, standing taller than you have before, stronger and wiser. You can look back at the trail you have conquered and be better prepared for the next level of ascent. Or you can stand at the top of the cliff and look down. You can feel sadness for the things you have left behind, longing for the paths you didn't get to walk, or regret for the mistakes you made. You can stand paralyzed with fear, looking down the cliff at the perils that you could meet with a wrong step and be unable or reluctant to move forward for fear of falling. And all of these are bringing you inevitably closer to the summit.

I have easy days. Days when everyone is healthy and sleeps. When there is more money than bills, when the car works and the sun shines. When I can check everything off my to-do list before dinner. When there is time to play outside and laugh, to read stories and giggle, and to relax at the end of the day in my husbands arms. Of course there are those in-between days, when nothing goes wrong but it feels like all I have done is change diapers and breastfeed all day. When the laundry is still piled up after five loads and when the kids can mess up three rooms in the time it takes me to clean one. When I have to cancel dinner plans to care for a sick child or spend the church hours walking the halls instead of listening in class. And the hard days, when a family member is hospitalized or chronically ill. When we face uncertainty in job loss or moving or family stability. Or days when it just seems like there is too much to carry- stressful jobs, college classes, bills to pay, meals to cook, chores to do, children to teach, groceries to buy, callings to serve in, babies to tend, and never mind your own needs- that there is no way you will ever get it all done.

There are the peaks. The one that started this message. We just had a baby. We stood together at the top after conquering pregnancy and delivery and felt proud and strong and amazed. We just had a baby! That perfect little thing came from us. I kept going when I wanted to give up, I survived the pain and fear and exhaustion, and we came out closer then before. On the other hand we just had a baby! We have been entrusted with the spiritual and temporal welfare of that perfect little being. What if we mess it up? What if I can't do it? There are so very many things that could go wrong! How will we ever do it all?

This particular stop has motivated me to look inward, reach out, hold on, and try to find more joy. I have been trying to look inward at myself. Examining my progress and goals for the future. What kind of parent am I? What kind of mother do I want to be? What kind of person do I want to be? I am trying to find a balance between my identity as a mother and my identity as me. Who am I? Who was I before I became a mother, and what parts of that person do I want to hold on to and what parts can I leave behind?

This has motivated me to reach out. To make more connections with my family and friends. I check the family website daily to keep up with the activities of my parents and siblings. I feel a longing to make these relationships stronger and to resurrect traditions from my childhood to make connections to the past. I have been searching the internet for friends I left behind in high school and college, looking for that part of me that was before I became a wife and mother. I have felt an increased need to reach out to my friends at church and work, to connect with other women who can help me to discover and keep that part of me that is just me, but at the same time support me in my role as a mother.

I also have felt a need to hold on a little tighter to those around me. To embrace my role as wife and mother and to find joy in my journey. I so often get caught up in the negative or monotonous aspects that I miss the joys. I am so busy watching the path in front and counting off my steps, that I forget to look around at the scenery and enjoy the hike with my family. The days I spent in the hospital brought so many insights. I found myself worrying about my children who were away from me, concerned for their comfort and security, even while my own was uncertain. When I finally got the solitude and silence I had been longing for, I spent it missing the very people who had kept it from me for so long. I fainted for a few minutes during a procedure and the first thing I heard was my husband calling my name and the first thing I saw was his concerned face. As I came to and stabilized, I saw manifest in the look in his face, as it changed from concern to relief to joy, how much he really loved me. That he was there with me through the pain and fear and joy and whatever else might come along, and that I was a better, stronger person with him than I ever could be without him. In spite of the challenges of the past month, I have felt an increased desire to hold on a little tighter to my husband and children and those things that make us a better family. Things like prayers and traditions and laughter. I am learning to let go of the extra stuff I have been carrying around for so long!

I still have challenges. The path behind me is paved with stumbling blocks changed into stepping stones, some more smoothly than others. I still need constant reminders to look up, to reach out to others, and to hold on to those precious things that really matter. Hopefully as I continue on I will be able to move forward without dwelling on what is behind or fearing what is around the corner, to look ahead while still living in the moment, and especially to find joy in the journey!