Guardians of Virtue

New post ever here. Here's the link: http://operationjoyinthejourney.blogspot.com/2011/08/guardians-of-virtue.html

Thanks for my southern family

I am sick today. Not really blog-worthy in and of itself, right?
This morning has shown me how much I have to be grateful for in my wonderful network of friends here, illustrates why I didn't want to move before the arrival of baby, and has helped me turn my "I feel like I want to die" into an "I am grateful for this opportunity" moment.
My dear visiting teacher called me earlier in the week and ask if she could drive me to the temple to help me get one more thing checked off my list (which, by the way, I am doing very well at accomplishing). After a crazy morning of running around, including a few frantic phone calls to find a temple dress to borrow that would fit around my expanding belly, it was a great way to spend the afternoon and evening. Unfortunately, even with my front seat privileges I started feeling quite ill on the way home. I figured it was a weird combo of morning sickness or car sickness. And thus started a night and day of the above mentioned "I feel like I want to die" illness.
I woke up, somehow managed to get the big kids dressed and to school on time, and came home and started whining about how cruddy I felt on facebook.
Within minutes I had friends practically tripping over each other to help me. Rebecca has been whisked away to play and nap with a friend, there is dinner waiting in the fridge, and all the baby laundry in storage I needed to get done has been taken away, washed, and returned smelling fresh and clean to the nursery (another project tackled by a friend that would otherwise not exist!).
The kids are looking forward to a sleepover this weekend aranged to give Mike and I a chance to get away one more time before baby comes. Two amazing ladies are throwing a baby shower next week aimed to fill my freezer with food and calendar with helpers instead of the dresser with baby clothes. The woman I called to borrow a dress from yesterday didn't even blink before agreeing to lend me her temple dress and asking to keep Rebecca while I went. Even Lenna's dance teacher called to make sure I had things covered and offered to drive her to classes for a few weeks so I wouldn't have to venture out with baby.
I am so very grateful. And super-scared to move away from my support network into the unknown.
So, to my southern family of friends and sisters, thank you for taking care of me!

The First 12 Days of Christmas

The First 12 days of Christmas we:

1. Got a package from the North Pole

2. Earned 50 cents to donate to the Angel tree at school
    Did a secret service for a family member

3. Decorated the short Christmas tree (kids only! no help from mom and dad) and hung lights on the porch

4. Went to the county tree lighting celebration

5. Had a visit from Saint Nick

6. Wrote letters to Santa

7. Watched Christmas movies and ate popcorn

8. Made treats to take to school

9. Mom visited our classrooms and read stories and passed out food (it is good to be the cool mom!):
Stick balls and a porcupine for the kindergartners

Orange cookies and Christmas oranges for the 3rd graders

10. Filled a Kmart cart with groceries and toys for the Salvation Army and paid using our pizza money and went home to leftovers for dinner instead

11. Donated our outgrown clothes, toys, and bean bag chair to the stuff swap at the church, and didn't bring anything for ourselves home in return; Had hot chocolate and cookies at the table while daddy read stories

12. Put up the big Christmas tree and nativity sets


Whew! OK, whose ready for the next 12? Not me, but here they come anyway!

Birthday bash

What do you get when you teach a class of 4 girls (and little brother), who all have birthdays in a two-month window? A last-minute rolling birthday party, complete with hats, ice cream, costumes, and kidnapping (with parental consent of course). Especially important to the one whose parents had no celebration planned and needed a fellowship boost, and to the others who have plenty of love and laughter to share!
I made a few calls and drove around one day after school and picked up all the girls in my class, passed out party hats and flower leis, and we invaded Baskin Robbins for about an hour. A fabulous time for all!

Giving Thanks- 7

I am thankful for the mother's lounge at church, a place to sneak away to eat an anti-morning sickness snack on fast Sunday w/o disturbing others. And of course, there is always someone else in there to visit with!

In my garden

"I want to grow a watermelon! And a pumpkin! And cucumbers!" Andrew's enthusiasm climbed as he moved his finger across the rows of tiny seed packets in the garden center. "And for Lenna we need peas, and green beans! And corn on the cob! And broccoli!" Rebecca followed dutifully along, her tiny arms stuffed full of the rattling little paper envelopes with pictures of brightly colored plants on the fronts. I am hesitant to invest even a few dollars in vegetable seeds. My mind reels with excuses. The dirt has too much clay. The ants and slugs and squirrels will eat everything. Its too hot to weed and water all summer. I don't know how. We don't have the equipment. The kids don't eat veggies anyway. I think of my neglected house plants and the tiny flat of petunias I killed last week when I never got around to planting them. "Maybe we should go home and talk to daddy about it first, before we buy anything?" I suggest, hoping that as soon as we leave the store he will forget his farmer dreams and move on to playing Batman.

When he doesn't mention it again, I feel relief, quickly followed by guilt. What kind of Mormon housewife am I? Aren't we counseled by church leaders to grow a garden? Aren't home-grown fruits and veggies better for you? Home bottled produce is so much better tasting, and better for you, than canned from the store. With food costs going up, growing your own is a wise investment. Aren't kids more likely to eat what they help grow? I have taken every gardening class ever taught at church, I know what to do. It isn't too hot for everyone else I know. And what a great learning experience for my kids- to plant a seed, nurture it, and watch it grow. To work hard at something and literally harvest your rewards.

I knew I didn't really have a good excuse. The truth was, I just didn't want to do it. I was struggling to keep on top of all my current responsibilities. Wasn't it enough to keep the clothes washed and the floors clean and the little tummies full of healthy food that someone else grew? If I did suddenly come up with that much free time, I would rather spend it doing a hundred other things besides digging in the dirt, pulling weeds, or battling insects in the humidity. I would rater indulge in some other luxury, like taking a shower or eating hot food or playing checkers with my kids.

On the drive home we stopped at a farm stand to buy a bucket of strawberries. Andrew was all grins as he hefted the bucket into the kitchen and began washing his treasures. We were going to make freezer jam- my compromise. We would preserve the fruit, even if we didn't grow it ourselves. I put the baby down for a nap and spent the next hour with my little boy slicing and smashing and mixing and pouring. We hadn't gotten along so well in weeks. He talked to me about his friends, I taught him about the magic of pectin. He thought of all the people he loved and wanted to send a jar of jam to. I thought about how blessed he was to have such a long list.

Sometime during the day, perhaps over peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches, it occurred to me that I already have a garden. I don't till rows of dirt, but I do get my hands and knees dirty. I plants seeds of faith and knowledge and trust. I pull weeds of doubt and sin and discontent. I don't grow plants and harvest fruits and vegetables. I am growing children and family. I am harvesting hope, love, giggles, fun, and wisdom. Instead of jam, I am preserving memories and character and independence. My garden is full and thriving and isn't affected by weather or draught or fire ants. My storehouse of crops won't fill and empty with the seasons, but instead will fill and continue overflowing into eternity.

One day spring will come and I won't have small children to nurture and grow. My garden really will be full of flowers and vegetables. I will grow tomatoes and watermelon and send my children jars of home bottled preserves. Not this year.

This season, I'm growing children!

CTR

Last night's FHE lesson, presented by Andrew, age 5.

"Today we are learning about choosing the right."

"During this lesson we will play a game. If it is a good choice, stand up, if it is a bad choice, sit down. Stealing chocolate from the store. Playing with your sister. Hitting your friend. Not hitting your friend even if he hits you first. Going to church instead of staying home to watch the big football game. Sharing your toys. Hitting your little sister. Saying how cute your sister is and giving her lovies. Very good."

"OK, now I want everyone to tell me what they think Heaven is like. We will start with Mommy, then Lenna, then Daddy. "

"We all used to live in Heaven before we were born. Then we came down and were born. And now we have to choose the right before we die. Why do we have to choose the right? "

Lenna- "so that we can make good choices and go to the Celestial Kingdom and. . . "

A, "Wrong! So we can go back to live with Heavenly Father again!"

Andy shared his testimony of choosing the right: "I am happy when I choose the right, because then I don't get in trouble. And Heavenly Father is happy when I choose the right, and Jesus is happy, and mom and dad are happy, and our family is happy, and I am happy! I always want to choose the right. Everyone should choose the right."

Followed by a song, a scripture (randomly open the book and point), a prayer, Mickey Yahtzee, and cookies and milk.

Thank you to Andy's primary teacher for preparing him to teach such a great lesson! I guess he was actually listening in between random comments and rolling on the floor and standing on the chair and playing with his tie pin and drawing pictures.

Merry Christmas!

We took this picture of the kids by the tree on Sunday afternoon. They were dressed in their Christmas clothes for the church program. I love the deep red velvet and that they can match even though they are so far apart in age. And it only took me about ten tries to get a picture when they are both smiling and looking at me.

What's that you say? Why, yes, we do have three children. There is a boy supposed to be in the middle. I had his clothes laid out on the bed that morning- black pants, vest and socks. Burgundy dress shirt and striped silver tie. He would have looked great next to his sisters. Alas, middle child was in one of his moods and there was nothing I could do to change his mind about his determination to wear clothes of his own choosing. At 8:55 on the morning Lenna was looking forward to singing in front of the congregation, I didn't have time for a battle of wills. So I threw a protesting, disbelieving, stubborn little kid over my shoulder and strapped him in. He went to church dressed like this:

He was still refusing to comply with any of my requests and closed his eyes so he wouldn't look at the camera. I think I need to ask Santa for a parenting book. I am confused, humbled, challenged, and exasperated by this one every day.

I will end on an adorable note with this picture.

Monday Musings

Today, Andrew is sick. I know, that is getting a little old isn't it? Believe me, I am getting tired of that headline, too. Someone tell his immune system.
He has a fever, headache, sore throat, and upset stomach. All he wants to do is lie on the couch and watch tv. And he wants me to do it with him. Who am I to argue. However, I am worried about all of the brain cells that I am losing watching hours of animated cartoons. I need something to focus on besides the musical adventures of Robin Hood the Clean and Mayor Stinkypants. So here I am. I almost felt guilty about writing a random post with five unfinished posts waiting in line to be illustrated and edited before they grace cyberspace with their presence, but then I was conveniently strapped to the couch away from my photos. Rambling it is!
I got a new church calling last week. I was just getting comfortable in RS. Though I think the leadership might be relieved. I always felt like I could never quite measure up to their expectations. So now it is back to primary. I am still not sure how I feel about that. I am teaching Lenna's class again. First, I don't think I am responsible enough to be teaching all of the kids who are getting ready to be baptized. Too much pressure. It was easier when they were four and I could tell myself it was ok if I botched the lesson because they were going to get the same one four more times. Not anymore. And also, I really was telling the same kids that when they were four. Interesting- I taught the same set of kids when they were four and five. Two new faces, but other than that the same. The same ones still have trouble sitting in their chairs but now they can take themselves to the bathroom and take turns reading. I guess there is something or someone I am supposed to learn from that I missed the last time. Hopefully I'll catch it this time around. I hope their parents aren't sick of me.
Last week I went to enrichment meeting. It was pretty low key and had a nice turnout. And a nursery, so I got to go. Rebecca was a bit overwhelmed with the noise and had to spend a few minutes on the sidewalk but otherwise did well. At the end of the meeting someone asked if we could go around the room and introduce ourselves because our ward has a pretty high turnover rate. If you spend six months in primary you will return to a completely new RS group.
Get to the point- I was last. Not a big deal. But I stood in the back and listened to each sister introduce themselves and say something about who they were. "I can sing" "I am a good cook" "I sew and quilt" "I'm into food storage" "I just wrote a book about genealogy" I had nothing to say. I couldn't think of that one thing that would define me. I am good at lots of things. Above average, even. I like to do lots of things. But there isn't anything that I am REALLY into or REALLY good at.
Please don't comment telling me what you think that thing is. I am off to discover it for myself somehow. I just thought in interesting that I will be 30 this year and am still looking to define myself. I am ready to be something besides Lenna/Andy/Rebecca's mom, Mike's wife, or kid #2 of 10. I am ready to learn something more important than the third verse to the hand washing song and go on an adventure that doesn't involve oatmeal or sippy cups. We will see how it turns out. For now the only mountain I am climbing is Mt Washmore- and it is kicking my butt!

New Year's Trip and Baby Blessing

It was the day before New Year's Eve (so is that new year's eve eve or just plain Tuesday?) and Mike realized that he had no plans for a whole week. No one to report to or file leave requests with. No one in the world (or at least the Air Force) who cared in the least about where he was spending his time for the next week. This is the first time in about 6 years that has happened, so he must have been feeling free. Anyway, he passed me in the hall and asked what we were doing the next day. I said nothing, but maybe we could take the kids to the zoo since it was 70 degrees and pretty nice out. He agreed but then passed me going the other way and said "Lets go to Maryland tomorrow! I'll call my mom and see if it is ok."

I guess he felt like the zoo wasn't taking advantage enough of his new found freedom. A 600 miles each way road trip was more what he needed.I was hesitant at first but the idea grew on me. All his family there had yet to meet Rebecca, it was a holiday, his parents had just had company so didn't need to do any last minute cleaning or furniture arranging to be ready for us, and we would be there on a Sunday to do the Rebecca's blessing with family members there. I admit I was also tempted with the opportunity to share some of the baby care chores for a while. And with Mike starting a new job, who knows when we would have that much time off again to travel. So off we went! Well sort of, we did have some last minute packing and laundry and cat feeding and such to do first.

When we finally left it went pretty uneventfully. We went from 70* in GA to about 30* in one day, getting colder and colder at each bathroom stop. Brr! Rebecca did ok the first 8 hours, but gave up for the last three, letting us all know how un-fondly she considered her carseat and backseat view. It was so very nice to get there! I personally enjoyed changing diapers on a clean bed, instead of trying to change diapers or even whole outfits, in questionable gas station restrooms, trying to cover everything within reach with paper towels and not actually put skin or clothes in direct contact with any surface. We were all so tired no one even bothered to stay up to ring in the new year, tho I caught it in the mountain time zone while doing a middle of the night feeding.

We spent the next few days just hanging out with Mike's parents and siblings, mostly eating and passing the baby around. I am amazed she didn't catch something, but sometimes you have to take a risk with family members you won't see for another year. Lenna and Andy enjoyed a bear hunt with their dad in the backyard, a trip to the movies with Aunt Tammy, and several game nights and lots of good food with everyone.

Sunday we did Rebecca's blessing in Mike's parents' ward. It was nice to have his bother-in-law and dad there to participate. He also had some men who were his teachers and leaders when he was a young man participate which was nice as well. He also got to watch his best friend from high school be sustained as a member of the bishopric. That made us both feel a little old, to have high school friends in bishopric's. It will be nice if we move to that area in the future to get reacquainted with them. Rebecca, of course, looked beautiful in her blessing dress that her Nana made. And she was considerate enough to sleep through the whole thing!
I scooted her out after the meeting to feed her and change her- just in time. She had a huge blowout through her onsie and tights only minutes after I took her dress off. She seems to have a knowledge about when would be the worst time to leak- she soaked two Christmas dresses the week before at church as well.

For the drive home we decided to break up the torture into two days instead of one. We went half way and stayed the night in a hotel, which went pretty smoothly. The next day felt lots longer. Rebecca decided to cry us over the state line, and exercised her lungs the last half hour. Our driveway has never looked so good.

If only someone had fulfilled my dream of breaking in while we were gone and cleaning up all the Christmas mess. Oh well, there is always next year!

What every mother wants to hear

I have been putting off posting lately for many reasons, but one is that I was waiting to get to the "big computer" so I could download my photos and use them to complete my posts. I do not think that will happen any time soon and I like to think I am capable of expressing myself without the use of visual aides, so decided to post anyway. I have a lot of catch up to do. I will put the pics in later. You will just have to keep checking back I guess.

Today was our first Sunday this year in our ward. That means new primary classes!

Lenna moved up to senior primary- yikes. When did she get to be that old? She loves her new teachers and is very happy. I think she will have a great year. If I was given the option of handing picking her teachers, that is where I would put her. She is already looking forward to her baptism next November and getting her own scriptures.

Andrew moved up a class as well. He has a great teacher who is a friend of mine, so I am sure things will be fine there as well. Of course, he refused to sit down until his buddy C arrived and took the chair next to him. I am not sure I could have even got him in the door if he and C had been put in different classes this year. Anyway, he went all dressed up in his new Sunday suit, complete with vest and standard clip-on tie.

When I went to pick him up after class he proudly showed me his sticker, his shiny new CTR ring ("To remind me to make right choices like not hitting Lenna and helping you.") and then casually mentioned, "I forgot the rule about not putting my tie on my ear and did it anyway. It kind of hurt."
All this before his teacher says "I am glad to have Andrew in my class this year. Do you think maybe we could leave the tie at home next week?" Apparently, he also forgot the rule about not putting his tie on his buddy's shirt, his shoe, his mouth, his head, his friend's head, and his belt.

Here's to casual Sunday attire.

New Year Trip

It was the day before New Year's Eve (so is that new year's eve eve or just plain Tuesday?) and Mike realized that he had no plans for a whole week. No one to report to or file leave requests with. No one in the world (or at least the Air Force) who cared in the least about where he was spending his time for the next week. This is the first time in about 6 years that has happened, so he must have been feeling free.
Anyway, he passed me in the hall and asked what we were doing the next day. I said nothing, but maybe we could take the kids to the zoo since it was 70 degrees and pretty nice out. He agreed but then passed me going the other way and said "Lets go to Maryland tomorrow! I'll call my mom and see if it is ok." I guess he felt like the zoo wasn't taking advantage enough of his new found freedom. A 600 miles each way road trip was more what he needed.
I was hesitant at first but the idea grew on me. All his family there had yet to meet Rebecca, it was a holiday, his parents had just had company so didn't need to do any last minute cleaning or furniture arranging to be ready for us, and we would be there on a Sunday to do the Rebecca's blessing with family members there. I admit I was also tempted with the opportunity to share some of the baby care chores for a while. And with Mike starting a new job, who knows when we would have that much time off again to travel. So off we went! Well sort of, we did have some last minute packing and laundry and cat feeding and such to do first.
When we finally left it went pretty uneventfully. We went from 70* in GA to about 30* in one day, getting colder and colder at each bathroom stop. Brr! Rebecca did ok the first 8 hours, but gave up for the last three, letting us all know how un-fondly she considered her carseat and backseat view. It was so very nice to get there! I personally enjoyed changing diapers on a clean bed, instead of trying to change diapers or even whole outfits, in questionable gas station restrooms, trying to cover everything within reach with paper towels and not actually put skin or clothes in direct contact with any surface. We were all so tired no one even bothered to stay up to ring in the new year, tho I caught it in the mountain time zone while doing a middle of the night feeding.
We spent the next few days just hanging out with Mike's parents and siblings, mostly eating and passing the baby around. I am amazed she didn't catch something, but sometimes you have to take a risk with family members you won't see for another year. Lenna and Andy enjoyed a bear hunt with their dad in the backyard, a trip to the movies with Aunt Tammy, and several game nights and lots of good food with everyone.
Sunday we did Rebecca's blessing in Mike's parents' ward. It was nice to have his bother-in-law and dad there to participate. He also had some men who were his teachers and leaders when he was a young man participate which was nice as well. He also got to watch his best friend from high school be sustained as a member of the bishopric. That made us both feel a little old, to have high school friends in bishopric's. It will be nice if we move to that area in the future to get reacquainted with them. Rebecca, of course, looked beautiful in her blessing dress that her Nana made. And she was considerate enough to sleep through the whole thing!

I scooted her out after the meeting to feed her and change her- just in time. She had a huge blowout through her onsie and tights only minutes after I took her dress off. She seems to have a knowledge about when would be the worst time to leak- she soaked two Christmas dresses the week before at church as well.
For the drive home we decided to break up the torture into two days instead of one. We went half way and stayed the night in a hotel, which went pretty smoothly. The next day felt lots longer. Rebecca decided to cry us over the state line, and exercised her lungs the last half hour. Our driveway has never looked so good. If only someone had fulfilled my dream of breaking in while we were gone and cleaning up all the Christmas mess. Oh well, there is always next year!

Looking in, Reaching out, Holding on, Finding Joy in the Journey.

Rebecca took a long nap today, which gave me some time to think after putting the kids to bed. Since she took a long evening nap, she took a long time time to go to bed. This gave me some more time to do some writing while we rocked. I had been working on this essay for a writing contest, which I have already talked myself out of entering. Anyway, this is what I had been working on. It is a rough draft, not finished, and very unpolished. I hope you will forgive the errors. I thought I would share anyway since one of my goals was to share more personal stuff in addition to the narratives. So here you go- one of the deep things.

There is something about life-changing events that makes you look inward and examine your self. If life is a journey of self-discovery, there are certain stops along the way that provide more opportunity for growth and introspect than others.

As we press forward, through valleys and canyons, over hills and mountains, around unexpected curves in the road or down roads worn with familiarity, we learn things about ourselves and our traveling companions. We walk sometimes in darkness, stumbling on unseen obstacles and grasping out for something, if only each other, to hold onto that will lead us back to safety. Other times we walk in light: a soft light that brings us to tread softly and slowly, listening in the stillness for direction from a divine source; or perhaps a bright light that allows us to throw our arms up and run freely with shouts of joy, until we are nearly blinded from looking too long at the sun and are forced to reluctantly look back down at the path our feet are treading.

We sometimes follow a path we have chosen and mapped out far in advance, other times chart a course through the unknown led only by faith and hope for what might lay around the next curve. We turn stumbling blocks into stepping stones, helping each other climb higher, walk father, and endure longer than we ever could alone. And we grow together, making stops along the way to rest, to learn, and to prepare for the next leg of the journey.

Your companions may change- first your parents lead you, then your siblings and friends will travel with you, some will stay and others will leave you as they follow their own paths. Sometimes you will have to journey alone as you seek out your own way. Eventually, if you are lucky, you will find a traveling companion who will share your road and your burdens through eternity.

Your challenge will be to remember to look inward and make sure you are becoming the person you want to be, to reach out to those around you to help them on their way, to hold on to the things that are important to you- things that are worth carrying into eternity- and to look not only to your destination, but to find joy in the journey.

Today, my mountain is Motherhood. It is a long leg of my journey, composed of peaks and valleys, gentle slopes, flat plateaus, and steep ascents. The scenery alternates between breathtakingly beautiful views- vistas that allow me to look far ahead at what is coming, or wistfully behind at what has passed- and frightening cliff sides that loom seemingly insurmountable above me or drop perilously downward beside me, threatening any wrong steps.

Some days are easy, the flat valleys and gentle slopes that allow for effortless growth, carefree running, and patient discovery. It is easy to find joy on those days when the laughter flows freely and frequently, when the path is well lit and my steps are sure. It is easy to walk slowly and enjoy the scenery, the company, or the tiny details that might go otherwise unnoticed. I love easy days!

Other days are not so easy. Not especially difficult, but not enjoyable either. A long stretch of trail with monotonous scenery, unpleasant tasks, or long stretches or trail that I walk on all day but never seem to make any progress on. When I spend my time looking behind me waiting impatiently for others to catch up, or carrying the loads of my children in addition to my own, or even moving backwards to make the trail easier or safer for those coming behind me. At the end of the day I haven't climbed to great heights or met any particular challenges, but feel exhausted from the work and frustrated that I have made no forward progress to show for it! Joy is harder to find on those days.

Then there are the hard days. When the path is dark and my steps are unsure. When I fight fear of failure and falling with faith and hope. When the road is rocky or steep and takes all my strength to move forward. When my burdens seem to heavy to carry. When I am motivated to move forward only for the sake of those following, or in order to stay with those leading. When I am so exhausted that all I can do is hold on to those around me and let them pull me along until I can again do it on my own. The joy comes on those days at the end- when the relief is felt more deeply, the gratitude more sincerely, and the joy comes from holding tighter to those around you and looking back at where you have been and what you have accomplished.

The peaks have their own challenges. When you finally reach the top you are met with feelings of pride, satisfaction, and joy mixed with fear, regret, or sadness. You can stand at the top of cliff, standing taller than you have before, stronger and wiser. You can look back at the trail you have conquered and be better prepared for the next level of ascent. Or you can stand at the top of the cliff and look down. You can feel sadness for the things you have left behind, longing for the paths you didn't get to walk, or regret for the mistakes you made. You can stand paralyzed with fear, looking down the cliff at the perils that you could meet with a wrong step and be unable or reluctant to move forward for fear of falling. And all of these are bringing you inevitably closer to the summit.

I have easy days. Days when everyone is healthy and sleeps. When there is more money than bills, when the car works and the sun shines. When I can check everything off my to-do list before dinner. When there is time to play outside and laugh, to read stories and giggle, and to relax at the end of the day in my husbands arms. Of course there are those in-between days, when nothing goes wrong but it feels like all I have done is change diapers and breastfeed all day. When the laundry is still piled up after five loads and when the kids can mess up three rooms in the time it takes me to clean one. When I have to cancel dinner plans to care for a sick child or spend the church hours walking the halls instead of listening in class. And the hard days, when a family member is hospitalized or chronically ill. When we face uncertainty in job loss or moving or family stability. Or days when it just seems like there is too much to carry- stressful jobs, college classes, bills to pay, meals to cook, chores to do, children to teach, groceries to buy, callings to serve in, babies to tend, and never mind your own needs- that there is no way you will ever get it all done.

There are the peaks. The one that started this message. We just had a baby. We stood together at the top after conquering pregnancy and delivery and felt proud and strong and amazed. We just had a baby! That perfect little thing came from us. I kept going when I wanted to give up, I survived the pain and fear and exhaustion, and we came out closer then before. On the other hand we just had a baby! We have been entrusted with the spiritual and temporal welfare of that perfect little being. What if we mess it up? What if I can't do it? There are so very many things that could go wrong! How will we ever do it all?

This particular stop has motivated me to look inward, reach out, hold on, and try to find more joy. I have been trying to look inward at myself. Examining my progress and goals for the future. What kind of parent am I? What kind of mother do I want to be? What kind of person do I want to be? I am trying to find a balance between my identity as a mother and my identity as me. Who am I? Who was I before I became a mother, and what parts of that person do I want to hold on to and what parts can I leave behind?

This has motivated me to reach out. To make more connections with my family and friends. I check the family website daily to keep up with the activities of my parents and siblings. I feel a longing to make these relationships stronger and to resurrect traditions from my childhood to make connections to the past. I have been searching the internet for friends I left behind in high school and college, looking for that part of me that was before I became a wife and mother. I have felt an increased need to reach out to my friends at church and work, to connect with other women who can help me to discover and keep that part of me that is just me, but at the same time support me in my role as a mother.

I also have felt a need to hold on a little tighter to those around me. To embrace my role as wife and mother and to find joy in my journey. I so often get caught up in the negative or monotonous aspects that I miss the joys. I am so busy watching the path in front and counting off my steps, that I forget to look around at the scenery and enjoy the hike with my family. The days I spent in the hospital brought so many insights. I found myself worrying about my children who were away from me, concerned for their comfort and security, even while my own was uncertain. When I finally got the solitude and silence I had been longing for, I spent it missing the very people who had kept it from me for so long. I fainted for a few minutes during a procedure and the first thing I heard was my husband calling my name and the first thing I saw was his concerned face. As I came to and stabilized, I saw manifest in the look in his face, as it changed from concern to relief to joy, how much he really loved me. That he was there with me through the pain and fear and joy and whatever else might come along, and that I was a better, stronger person with him than I ever could be without him. In spite of the challenges of the past month, I have felt an increased desire to hold on a little tighter to my husband and children and those things that make us a better family. Things like prayers and traditions and laughter. I am learning to let go of the extra stuff I have been carrying around for so long!

I still have challenges. The path behind me is paved with stumbling blocks changed into stepping stones, some more smoothly than others. I still need constant reminders to look up, to reach out to others, and to hold on to those precious things that really matter. Hopefully as I continue on I will be able to move forward without dwelling on what is behind or fearing what is around the corner, to look ahead while still living in the moment, and especially to find joy in the journey!

Primary Program

Yesterday was the annual primary program. For the first time since having children in primary I watched from the congregation instead of from a supervisor seat on the stand. It is a much better view! I knew it would be good when I was teary before the end of the opening song.

Lenna was so proud to be going up. I had to change seats a few times to get a good view of her dear face because she was seated behind the organ. I was so glad I did- it was nice to be able to make eye contact during each song, it helped her feel confident enough to sing a little louder and made her smile that beautiful toothless grin! She had her part memorized and confidently marched right up to the microphone to say her line. She was busy practicing her songs all week. She made me very proud!

My children do not yet share my fear of public speaking- I hope that they never do. Right now, they anxiously await the arrival of their urn to do anything at the microphone- pray, give a primary talk, sing a song, you name it they will do it! I am so glad, and pleased with their self-confidence that allows them to fearlessly step out in front of the crowd.

Of course, sometimes it would be nice if they would sit down in front of the crowd! Andrew took his role as a front-row sunbeam very seriously. You know the role, the job of entertaining the crowd if the speakers lag or songs take too long to get started. His class was the first up to the microphone. They all did a god job preparing for their parts, most of them even had their little line memorized. There is something really special about hearing a three or four year old child stand confidently in front of hundreds of people and say with conviction, "I am a child of God!" It brought tears to my eyes. Not be outdone, my son followed with his own line. He first filled his role as entertainer by making sure the adult next to him was very aware (and thanks to the mic, so was everyone else) that "I don't need any help!" then he delivered his line (without any help!)and proudly marched down the steps back to his seat, where he gave me a happy thumbs up!

That was about where he finished following the prepared script. You see, someone had taken his seat next to his best buddy, and there was nothing that is teacher could do to get him to sit in another one. He defiantly stood at the front with his arms crossed and lip out for about three songs before she realized the problem and moved him over. Then of course, he refused to stand at all for the singing, stubbornly perched on that little chair with his hands over his eyes, so that no one could take his seat again. Finally with about ten minutes to go, he took advantage of the distracted teacher and made a run for it to my seat. Well, it was his first try, at least he said his lines!

I love primary program day, I think it is one of my favorite Sundays of the whole year. Aside from the distractions, I really love sitting there and feeling the spirit. As I think back, all my significant testimony confirming moments of the past few years have occurred in primary. There is something about the innocence and purity of their little hearts that makes it an effective conduit for the Holy Ghost to do his job. I am starting to enjoy my time in Relief Society again, but do miss primary!

Miracle Monday

My blog has been whiny the past few months. I need to be more positive. Yes, sucky things happen, but that isn't all that happens! Every Monday I am going to force myself to reflect on the past week and pull out the positives, the mini-miracles that happen around me all the time that I often overlook, at least in writing here. So here it, the inaugural post for "Miracle Monday"

5 Miracles I have seen this week:

1. Ultrasound image of my little girl, all scrunched up and sucking her thumb.

I love technology. It really is amazing the things that we can do today with modern medicine. Seeing a real little person in there always makes being pregnant so much more real, like it isn't just a huge stomach, it is an actual tiny person in there! With her own face, and hands, and unique look of complete dissatisfaction at being stuffed upside down into a confined space that doesn't yield to her constant pushing to get out. (FYI update, as of today, baby is in perfect position, but cervix is stubbornly unchanged)

2. My little boy, sound asleep and still.

He woke me in the middle of the night to help get his clothes changed into something warmer, then pleaded for me to stay until he fell asleep so he wouldn't be scared. At 3AM, giving in is easier than enforcing good sleep habits, so I stayed. Just before he fell asleep he put his little arms around my neck, kissed my nose, and said "Mommy, sometimes we fit together just like a puzzle." Even at 3AM, I was touched. And then he fell asleep and lay peacefully still, something that never happens while he is awake.

3. Heavenly Father's paintbrush.

I picked a gorgeous leaf up from the parking lot yesterday. The colors were perfect, yellow with red lines and tips, not yet browned from time on the ground. I kept it in the window for a few days. I love the fall, the nice weather, the great colors, the smell of woodsmoke in the mornings. I am always awed by the beautiful colors Heavenly Father put here at this time of year.

4. A sense of belonging.

I have never really had a place that I call "home." One of those places you can answer right away when someone asks you where you are from. I have to generalize and qualify any answer I come up with. My dad was always looking to do better and provide a better life for his family, so we moved A LOT when I was growing up in pursuit of every better opportunity. I think the longest we ever stayed in one place was about 3 years, sometimes barely staying in one place long enough to hit the year mark. Anyway, that life is not so conducive to helping a shy and socially awkward girl learn to make friends and fit in. Anyway, it has taken a while for me to get over it. Still after about a year in one place I have to dramatically rearrange the furniture or something to keep from going crazy. We have lived here for just over three years now, breaking my previously held record for living anywhere. Now I guess when people ask where I am from, I can answer "Georgia" with just as much validity as CA or UT. Anyway, I walked into church yesterday with a stack of 30 thank-you cards to hand out from my birthday and baby shower. I must say, I have never known the names of that many people, let alone been able to call that many people my friends. I sat for a minute reflecting on how at-home I felt there in the back of the chapel, surrounded by people I know and who care about me, and felt at peace. I do think that is the first time ever.

5. I am not running on empty.

Not gasoline, though some weeks this would be an appropriate thing to be grateful for. I thinking more about emotionally. That even on the days (mostly nights) when I am so tired that I think I have absolutely nothing left to give of myself, I can do it anyway. I can make it to answer one more cry from a bad dream, one more dose of Motrin to cool a fevered brow, one more hug to stop the tears of a hurt child, one more hour to listen to my over-burdened husband. One more hour of hope to hold off the despair. We talked in RS about our trials, "weathering the storms of life." I was reminded that no matter what we are up against, that we are never given more than we can handle, that even when we feel completely depleted, that the Lord will give us strength, that one last bit of energy, empathy, faith, or hope that we need to make it through. And that is a miracle, I think.

Seen any miracles today?

Finally, some one understands!

I found this online and instantly thought of my child, as well as past posts by some of you readers. Enjoy!

This link leads to a blog featuring just LDS cartoons, very funny, where I discovered this one.

I know I have been MIA- it has been busy over here. Will update eventually!

Suicidal Three Year-old?

I was having lunch at chick-fil-A with Andrew this afternoon. That is one of our favorite places to eat, I am always impressed by their clean restaurants, healthy menu choices, and small kid friendly play rooms. Anyway, Andrew and I stopped there in between meetings and errands for lunch.

Before he would eat his chicken nuggets he reminded me that we forgot to pray. Not one to discourage meal prayers, even in public places, I agreed. I whispered a fast blessing on the food and said Amen. Andrew said "I forgot the end! Wait!" I thought he was just going to echo Amen but instead he folded his arms and added this request: "please come down and help me die so I can go back up"

What?!?!

I had him explain- he wanted to die because he wanted to go back to Heaven to be with Jesus and heavenly Father because he missed them. He also added that he could start praying that I die, too so I wouldn't miss him.

How do you respond to that? I settled for "Ok. Maybe we can pray to die later, when you are old so we don't miss things like driving a race car or becoming a daddy or being a garbage truck worker." I will use whatever leverage I have!

And that isn't the first time he has said something like that. He asked one day driving home when he could die so he could talk to Heavenly Father again and tell him about his day. I explained he could pray whenever and whatever he wanted and that Heavenly Father would listen to him. And he took me at my word and has been having casual conversations quite regularly now.

My emotions have been a little crazy ever since.

For one, is life in our house really that bad? That he would be dying to get out of here and "back home?" I need to try harder to be nice at bed time and give him more chocolate milk and have more fun. Super mother guilt is overwhelming here!!!

Second, I am scared to death (hopefully not literally!) because we all know that the prayers of the little ones are answered first! And Andrew has some pretty strong faith! He prays for everything-from help picking up his trucks, to blessing the food, to scaring away monsters at bed time. And it usually works. So now I am terrified that he might just get his wish. Every sniffle could turn into meningitis or pneumonia or an asthma attack. Is the next time he darts away from me in the parking lot going to be the last time? The next time he "Superman!"s off the back of the couch and knocks his head, will that golf ball sized bruise really be a skull fracture or brain hemorrhage? Or will he just disappear during the night after I have yelled at him one too many times to get back in bed?

I am right on the verge of becoming the crazy, over-protective mother now. And I am starting to pray a lot more often for the safety of my little ones.

What now?

Self Reflection

I was just giving one of my relatives a hard time about now having a blog. After all, doesn't everyone? Her reply was that without a husband, kids, or exciting job, she would have nothing to write about. "How often do write about just yourself, not your kids?" Well, I would like to say all the time but that would be a lie. In fact, I guess almost none of the time, esp if you count the yet-to-be-born as a kid. So here is my response- a whole post just about me! Don't worry, I won't be offended if you stop reading now!

Lets see- I have gotten a little more free time lately for some projects. I have crocheted some very cute baby booties and a little pink hat. I also made a little cat that my kids have already started throwing around. I also knocked out a few file folder games for my classroom (remember those? Really big in the 90's, kind of died out with the wide use of color printers and copiers), completed lots of projects for work, and have started the Christmas pjs. Where are the pictures, you ask? Very happy sitting in my camera, whose batteries died this afternoon. It won't even turn on to download. I hope no one does anything cute the next few days before I get some more.



Another big project has been making a website for the preschool I work. I have never done anything like that before and am kind of making it up as I go but I think it is turning out ok. I just have to set a timer for myself so I don't get carried away and do more than they are willing to pay me for. I know that sounds kind of greedy but when I look at it as time I spend away from my family, that price is high enough I ought to be getting a little something in return! Here is what I have so far: http://sites.google.com/site/gymnlearn/Home Tell me what you think, I need some feedback!

I fell back into books this month. I have been really too tired to do anything else at night but lie around with my face in a book. It helped that I got sucked into a really good, and long, series of books that were very hard to put down. It made for some late nights, and strange dreams.



You see, what ever I am reading/doing/watching/thinking about the last hour or so before I go to bed, I keep on thinking about after I fall asleep. For instance, tonight I will be typing in my sleep, rearranging page elements and pasting pictures all night long since I am going to bed as soon as I am done here. So on the nights that I was up late reading I dreamt about vampires and werewolves and unrequited young love. Not too terrible, except I was too afraid to get up in the night to get a drink or go to the bathroom without waking Mike up to go with me. I couldn't help it, I jumped at my own reflection in the kitchen windows several times. So I am recommending this book series, but with the caution to only read in daylight hours! I read the first one while on a plane from one side of the country to the other. I read the second in two days a few days after our return. I had to wait to read the third until I could get it from the library through the reserve system, since it hasn't came out in paperback yet and I am cheap. I am afraid I will have to wait forever for the last one, as it hasn't even been released yet and will probably be months until it finds its way to the library. But I am still cheap, so will wait.


I also read this book, which I probably would never have picked up on my own but enjoyed anyway. It made me very grateful for my own life situation and especially my husband, who does such a great job of taking care of his family. I tried to picture my mother as a child then, growing up in the 60's in a whole different world than mine. It was an interesting look into not-so-distant history. I tried making up a few jingles myself, but am lousy at it. I will spare you you the examples.

I need to knock out one more for out RS summer book club, something that falls in the British Lit category. I am leaning toward Jane Eyre but haven't decided.

The other big change around here- I got a new church calling. I have been released from primary! I think for the three years we have lived here I have been in primary the whole time. Or as Lenna reported tearfully after church Sunday, I have "been kicked out of primary!" Usually, I wouldn't mind that terminology, in fact I think I have used it myself. It really upset her to hear someone say that in passing. I guess a child had heard the other ladies in Primary talking about it and when Lenna's teacher asked why her mom was in RS now and not in primary, the child laughed and said I had been kicked out. Lenna's head was filled with images of someone kicking her mother and hauling me out the door of the primary room against my will. I have tried to undo some damage by reassuring her I am just fine and wasn't kicked anywhere, but I am not sure she is buying it. A lesson to all of us to be careful what we say in front of little ears who repeat it! Now, was that too much about my kids? It was about me, I think.

Anyway, my new calling is on the enrichment board. Technically the enrichment activity leader and RSU secretary/publicist. A mouthful, and probably an armful as soon as I figure what all of that entails. Right now all I know is that I will be in charge of making and distributing all of the enrichment activity fliers, schedules, posters, sign-ups and such. I do believe I am actually in charge of coming up with such activities and schedules, but am not completely sure. If so, HELP!! I feel like I have been away from RS so long I don't really know how things are supposed to go and am terribly afraid of doing it wrong. It was both comforting and scary when the Bishop blessed me to be able to find the time for my calling and my mothering responsibilities when I was set apart. I think that that kind of means it will be a challenge- one I will have the ability to handle but a time challenge none-the-less.

I was talking with a friend's husband the first week after I was released. He saw me sitting all forlorn-looking in Sunday School and stopped to chat. He was commenting that it must be hard, after having my whole life revolve around kids, to switch to adults. He was so very right! For about two ears I have been doing cub scouts, primary, joy school, teaching preschool, and raising kids. All with very limited adult interaction, except of course the weekly primary meetings and brief visits with my visiting teachers (they have no idea that I don't care if they bring a lesson, it is just nice to talk to someone over 4 feet tall!). And so I am going through meeting withdrawal (I miss you guys!) and feeling lost on Sundays, and way out of place at RS activities. I went to one last week and none of my primary buddies showed up and I was so alone! I looked around at all the "other older" ladies and realized that they were all the women I would be serving with now, and wasn't sure if it would be ok to cry. I instead dragged myself up from the lounge chair and into the pool to so some socializing and tried to make the best of it. New friends? I hope so! And I can always put myself on the sub list for primary on Sundays, I am sure they could keep me busy and in my comfort zone!

I keep reminding myself that Heavenly Father knows what he is doing- that I am headed in the right direction. Perhaps he saw me sinking off into the land of sleepless nights and diaper changes, without the distraction of work to lift my spirits and knew I would need a boost to get out and go to RS, where I would get the outside support I would so desperately need after I have the baby. After all, if you are in charge you have to go, even if you don't feel like it or have to drag the kids along. And If I am forced to widen my social circle, it can only be good for me.

Or maybe, it is just time to focus a little more on my own spiritual health. I am quite confident I know enough about the workings of primary that I can keep my kids on track. However, I have yet to even open my RS manual for the year. I can sing all the primary songs, but few of the hymns. I have scripture and prayer charts for my kids, but none for myself. I work to schedule play dates for my kids every week for their social health, but often write my own activities or nights out with my friends at the bottom of the list, to be scratched out first when time or money gets tight. So I guess that is how I am going to look at the next six months- transition time to take the focus off my kids' well-being and look inward at myself for a while. Not that I particularly like what I see, but at least now I have the time and inclination to look and do better.

Someone came and mowed the front lawn last week. We have neglected it all summer. I am not sure if it was our home teachers who came Sunday and saw the overgrown jungle or maybe the neighbor who was tired of looking at the wild lawn next to his perfectly trimmed yard and just kept on going with his riding mower. Either way, we are very grateful. Neither one of us is physically able to do so right now- my doctor would kill me if the allergic reaction to the grass didn't, and Micheal would probably wish someone would kill him just to stop the pain that would result after pushing the mower around for an hour. That and our mower started billowing big black clouds of smoke last time we turned it on. So until we have the money to pay a landscaper, we are at the mercy of the drought (could it please stop raining so things stop growing?) and the mystery mowers. Hopefully it won't get to out of control until then!

And finally, some pictures of me. I do exist!

I have parents.

I have a great little family.

I eat Chinese food, with my very large extended family.

I have a goofy younger brother (well 5 of them, but only one made the photo)

I have a great husband, who loves me even in the middle of the night when I look exhausted and act grumpy and makes me smile for the picture anyway.

So that is all. A whole post about me!

three and a half foot logic

How Andrew thinks always amazes me- sometimes silly, others profound.

How to make banana bread: take some bananas and squish them up, take a loaf of bread and squish it up with the bananas. Roll it out flat into a piece of bread shape and poke in some raisins. Bananas + Bread = banana bread. Obviously we haven't done much baking around here lately....

How tall will you be?
Andy: "When I am 100 I will not be able to have a house."
Me:"why not?"
Andy: "Because I would smash it!"
Me: "huh?"
Andy: "Now I am 3 and this big, and Lenna is six and this big (reaches just above his head) and you are 28 and this big (points to the ceiling) and grandpa is 50 and even bigger than you. I keep getting bigger when I get older, so When I am 100 I will be really, really big and smash the roof of the house! I will have to live in the forest"
Me: "OH. Well, maybe you could build a castle or something." It is not worth the effort to explain why people stop growing by about 20. We will just let him figure it out on his own.

Me, after a particularly rough day at school with Andrew, who had a very hard time following directions, "Andrew, why weren't you listening to me today?"
Andy: "I left my listening ears off today. I will turn them on again tomorrow, maybe."
Me: "I would appreciate that."
Where is the on/off switch, anyway?

Andy: "I can't eat any more dinner today."
Me:"Why?"
Andy: "There is no space left in my tummy, it is full (lifts his shirts and pokes out his stomach, just to make sure I see how full it is)"
Me: "Ok. No room for ice cream either, go get some jammies on."
Andy: "Maybe I could vacuum some room in there, but not enough room for carrots, just enough room for ice cream. (makes a sucking sound and runs his hand around his stomach) Now there is room for ice cream in there!"
I want one of those vacuums!

Spider Woman

Today I found Lenna in tears after primary. Apparently one of the older boys had called her a spider girl. I am guessing because of her skinny legs and black tights. Anyway, it really hurt her feelings.

I was able to console her by telling her my middle school nickname- spider woman. I also had the same long skinny arms and legs and long blonde braids. I was at least 4 inches taller than all the boys and after a long day of getting their behinds kicked by a girl in field day they dubbed me spider woman.

Lenna got a huge kick out of that story and has since been proud to bear the name spider girl just like her mom.