Full speed ahead, but looking backwards

It has been apparent to me this week how fast my little boy is growing up. He has changed so much since this time last year when we first started preschool and working and all of that crazy busy stuff that has made the year fly by!

This week especially he has been doing and saying all sorts of self-contradicting things that make me unsure if I should laugh or cry or just hold on tighter and hope he doesn't grow any more while I am looking the other way.

One day last week he surprised me with a big hug and said "Mommy, I love you a zillion!" This was especially meaningful because we had been talking about numbers and decided that a zillion was as big as you could go. Hooray for me, I felt so loved! Two hours later we were in the thick of the evening crunch, with dinner battles involving vegetables (or the lack of) and dessert, repeated instructions on pajamas, tooth brushing, and a long list of reasons why he couldn't' eat Doritos for a bedtime snack, even if his daddy was, he broke my heart. I explained sometimes I had to make choices for him regarding how to be healthy because I was his mom and it was my job. He responded "Well then, I wish I didn't have a mommy!" and stormed off to bed with his bottom lip sticking out. *sigh* What is a mom to do? Extra lullabies for everyone that night!

Last week I went to the doctor. Andrew and I had a double appointment- I went for a baby check-up (all is good, I gained one pound) and Andrew went for a fever and cough that has lasted for weeks. While we were waiting for the doctor Andrew had another growing up moment. I don't' know if it was too much talk about being a big brother or the pressure to be brave for the inevitable strep test, but Andrew decided right then that he was not going to grow up anytime soon. He asked "When will I get to be little again?" "Never, you just keep getting bigger each birthday." "I wish I was a baby again! I miss my baby toys and my baby bed and I don't want to be a big boy!" then he curled up on my lap and sobbed for five minutes.

After a frustrating diagnosis (random virus caused fever, cough is from lousy allergy meds/asthma combo) we returned home to a play date, where he complained he was too big for me to stick around, "When are you going to leave me here by myself?" And the next day Mike was supposed to take him to Adventure Crossing to drive the go carts. Before they left we found out that the minimum age to drive was 5. He spent the morning crying again because he was too small and is now counting the days until his fifth birthday, which he will probably spend at the go-cart track.

So that is Andrew right now- zooming forward full speed ahead, full of "I can do it!" and "How many days until my birthday?" and "I am big enough!", but at the same time he has to look back every once in a while to be mommy's little boy again, requesting a lullabye at night, a hug and kiss before I leave him at school, and a seat on my lap during church. And for now, I am more than happy to indulge him!