Stop this ride- I want to get off!!

I know, it has been over a week since I last posted. Not to worry, though. I have only been procrastinating. You see, it was bill-paying time. And I told myself I was not allowed to post any more until I had paid all of the bills. I absolutely detest paying bills! It makes me depressed. So, I always put it off as long as I can. I know, silly. The whole thing maybe takes a half hour of clicking but I still hate it. Anyway, I finally made myself do it today, so I am now free to blog!

I remember a time when I was a teen-ager and I went to the county fair. I remember getting on a ride I wasn't too sure about- a typical carnival ride that spins you around until you are dizzy and nauseous. Well, I discovered that the older I got, the less fun those rides were! I got on the ride, buckled the sub-standard safety belt, and started spinning. It took about ten seconds for me to realize my mistake. I tried staring at my shoes, the lap bar, the ground, the people whizzing by- nothing helped. All I could do was grit my teeth and pray it would end soon before I lost it, all the while wishing someone would hit that emergency stop button and let me off! The ride screeched to a halt, I stumbled off, and proceeded to loose my lunch in the nearest trash can.

Here is a picture- downloaded, not of anyone I know.

Anyway, all I can remember is that out of control feeling, that I knew something bad was about to happen, that I could do nothing t0 stop it, and that I would give just about anything to get off and feel normal again!!

Why would I tell you this less-than amusing story? Because. Fast forward about ten years, and here I am now. On an endless roller coaster. With extreme highs and lows, even a few loop-de-loops, nauseating spins, and that same out-of-control feeling. Wishing I could just stop everything, get back on steady ground, and be in control of myself again. Sadly, there is no emergency stop, no safety bars, and no end in sight! What horrible ride is this you ask? A completely hormonal one. Based in genetics, fueled by stress and sleep-deprivation, and exacerbated by pregnancy.

Seriously- someone let me off!!

I have been going through crazy mood swings, with really good weeks, followed by some really bad weeks. I bet you could read through the archives and find the ups and downs.

On the good weeks I feel good, have energy, and am motivated to get things done. I can take the crazy adventures of life with two kids, a busy husband, and a job in stride. And of course, there is the little voice in the back of my mind telling me to hurry, push, and cram as much as possible into the next few days because one morning I will wake up and it will be free fall time! Those are the weeks I go on cleaning binges, take my kids to do everything, start crazy to-do lists, and actually get things done.

Then come the down times. I will wake up in the morning feeling like I haven't slept at all, have no energy and just "get through the day". I don't really care if I am late for work, or Lenna is late for school, or if the kids eat cold cereal for two out of three meals. The house falls apart, the lists go unchecked, and everything sort of closes in. Then I get overwhelmed with even the simplest things like finding out my daughter has imaginary friends, that my son has to spend half his day in time out, or when the car gets a flat tire. I cry about everything, and sometimes even nothing. Seriously, I cried for an hour about a relief society poster, that now resides in the trash can, it was so important!

Then come the dizzying spins- when things get so crazy I don't have time to pay attention to anything outside of my planner, just rushing from one thing to another. Like the day I realized that we had bought a new couch two days earlier and I hadn't even sat on it yet. Or we had a bag full of library books two days over due that no one had even read once. That I could count the number of waking hours I had spent at home on my fingers, and that was the tally for the whole week. Or sometimes I just make myself crazy with dizzying thought patterns- mostly worries about things I can't control like Mike's job and health, or money stuff, or of course, having a baby! I have nightmares about giving birth in the living room, the car, or even the church bathroom. That my kids will be left at school, that Mike won't make it in time, that no one will come to help me and I will be stuck on the couch for a week holding a screaming baby, with kids crying for dinner, the phone ringing, no clean clothes, and no end in sight!

The worst part is that I feel like I really have nothing to complain about, and that I know it is just hormones. Side note- never ever tell that to a pregnant lady while she is in the middle of an emotional freak-out, you will just get punched in the nose (ask my husband). People tell me I look good for being 8 months pregnant, and I can't complain about morning sickness, or health complications, or birth defects, or emergency surgery (ok, that one was last night's nightmare), or being a single mom or any of that. But it sure would be nice to be able to yell "Stop the ride! I want to get off!" and have everything return to normal again!

Here I am- bulging belly as of today: